Not the Weekend We Had Planned

Jerry wasn't feeling as well as I'd hoped this weekend. Although he did well with the kids on Friday evening, he wasn't feeling particularly happy or positive, and so his engagement with them required a lot of effort on his part. He also mentioned feeling upset about Dylan's expression of anxiety in reference to his visit, and anxious about the fact that I've told Dylan that his Dad is okay now, and that his medicine is working. I think he felt pressure to perform, as a result - or fear of living up to the standard of "well" at this point.

On Saturday morning, Jerry seemed very reactive - visibly frustrated and angry when Dylan was having a hard time over something small, criticizing my parenting and approach to dealing with the situation, and having difficulty being empathic to the fact that Dylan is having such a hard time, and is not able to express it outside of overreacting to small situations. He expressed some anxiety about our planned overnight to my parents' house. I encouraged him to go back to sleep until swimming, and woke him up after noon. He was still feeling agitated, but came along to swimming, and planned to still join us going up to Gran's afterwards. However, halfway through swimming, after coming back from going to get a bite to eat, he declared that he did not feel up to the trip, and did not feel that he would be able to handle being around the kids this weekend. He was scared that he would not be able to "be okay" in front of the kids, even with the plan to have him out doing random things (like mowing the fields, etc. which is actually pretty damn relaxing), and only popping in when he felt up to spending 10-15 minutes of "quality time" with them. I panicked, but eventually relented. All I could think is "I don't know how to make this okay for Dylan. I don't know how to hold Dylan together if you can't hold it together!!!"

Dylan took the news that his Dad had been "called into work for an emergency" and couldn't join us after all. His Dad told him, and put a lot of energy into faking "okeyness" for the last few minutes he was with them. This seemed to pay off, and the kids LOVED their sleepover at their Gran's. They spent a lot of time with their Grandad, who despite his Alzheimer's has been doing really well with them lately (thank you, antidepressants). Dylan, especially, seems glued to his Grandad the last few visits - I guess he's looking for a stable man in his life? Hopefully Grandad can keep this up - I know Christmas season is really hard for him, and he often goes downhill for a few months afterwards.

One odd thing happened during our visit, however. While on the tractor, Dylan suddenly started saying he was scared. This is very out of character for him, and I tried to take some time to reassure him. A few minutes later he said "Mom, I wish I had your life. There are too many scary things in mine" or something to that effect. When I tried to get him to elaborate, he would not. He said both that "it's hard to explain" and that "there are no little things, only big ones" in response to my suggestion that he experiment talking to me about what is scaring him by starting with something little. That was very disconcerting, and I always carry anxiety around the idea of something bad happening to my kids, and me not knowing about about! I hope there is nothing bad that has happened, that he's just not telling me, but in the meantime I can only guess that he's got a lot of fear around his Dad's well being. I wish he could tell me more - I don't know if he even knows, though.

Now Dylan is home for the second day in a row, as he has an ear infection. Yesterday he also came down with a fever. I'm worried about sending him back to school, as his hearing has been quite affected by the fluid in his ears. If it's hard for him to keep settled in his french classroom when he can hear, I can only imagine how hard it would be if he can't hear well! In the meantime, this may help explain his sudden difficulties last week - he always acted nuts when his ears got like this when he was younger, so maybe it's largely from his feeling discombobulated from his ear infection...I'm hopeful! Hopefully his teacher will take this into account when writing up his report card.

Okay, the kids are descending on the ground floor. Guess nap time is over...

Limits: At them/Need Them

So the discussion with Dylan's teacher went well. My fears were unfounded, in fact just the opposite problem was true - turns out, she's been cutting him too much slack, because she knows he's got so much going on at home lately. So, we had to come up with some firm boundaries for Dylan in the classroom, to put an end to his classroom antics, which include things like going under desks, leaning back on people and playing his own game of duck-duck-goose during carpet time. I basically suggested that she keep her empathy, but firm up the boundaries at the same time, because clearly he can't be acting so wacky in the middle of instruction, and he knows that. So, he gets a warning for really disruptive behavior, and if he doesn't stop he goes to a "quiet spot," then if he still doesn't settle down he gets one more warning before having to go to the office to do some independent work. Today, he didn't pull those antics. She also agreed to let him choose to sit at his desk during carpet time, if he feels like he can't keep his body to himself. He seems to use that well - he left a few times today, sat quietly at his desk, and then returned. Next the trick will be to figure out when he's sorted through whatever is bothering him and is ready to be challenged to stay with the group more. For now, however, he clearly has a lot gnawing away at him, as he's acting out all over the place.

Which brings us to lunch. I got a call from his caregiver saying he was trying to hurt her (trying to bite her at one point, then tossing toys out of a tree house at her), and refusing to go to school. By the time I got to the friends' house, school was already in and he was in the massive tree house structure, and refusing to come out. He makes it seem like a game, but I know (thanks to the seminar yesterday) that it's probably just another way to avoid the feelings he has and doesn't like and doesn't know what to do with. So I managed to lure him out with a rock a friend of mine had given me to give him, and he came to school nicely at that point. He had an okay afternoon, although he did call one of his friends a "stupid baby" and was whacking someone with a chip bag (obnoxiously, vs trying to hurt them). The biggest concern came at the end of the day. Apparently, when his teacher started bringing out the agendas, which signals that it's time to get ready to go, Dylan got very sad and quiet. Apparently he told his teacher that his Dad was coming over and he didn't want to go home (which is extremely uncharacteristic of him!). He then hid in the hallway, and his teacher was panicked because she had no idea where he'd gone. They paged him over the PA system, and eventually (I'm not sure how), they figured out he was hiding between the piano and a cabinet just outside the classroom.

During our meeting with the teacher, Dylan and I, he was very distracted, didn't make eye contact for the most part, and just fooled around. But we think he's clear on the new system for check marks (4/day for keeping hands to self and saying kind things; 1 check mark for each quarter of the day is able to do this), warnings, and so forth. On the way to the car, he told me how excited he was because his Dad was coming, and seemed eager to get to the car. I have only a few ideas on how to explain this discrepancy. One, he was not being honest with the teacher, or he wasn't being honest with me. Two, he was feeling both excited to see his Dad, but maybe scared to see whether or not his Dad was still going to be seeming better or whether he'd be feeling "sick" again. Or three, maybe he has a lot of anxiety or anger towards his Dad that hit him in the moment, but which is too painful for him to acknowledge for long, so he repressed it again. Beyond those possibilities, I'm stumped. I'm hoping for #2 because I'd like to think that with a little bit of time we can reassure him that his Dad is okay. I don't want to think he's manipulating his teacher that way, or that he would feel like he'd have to lie to me if he did have negative feelings around his Dad visiting. Nor do I want to think that what he's feeling is so painful that he'd have to deny it to himself most of the time.

Regardless, he had to write out "I will be kind and gentle to people" five times, as a consequence, in addition to losing TV, for hurting Cehl (our caregiver/adopted family member). Then it was a nice night. He played with me and his Dad, and then with us and his sister, making for lots of fun for the rest of the evening. He's coming into my room for a sleepover when I go up to bed, which I know he loves (and his sister is still in my room in her crib, so it's kind of a family sleepover sans Daddy, I guess). His Dad actually isn't feeling great - still some agitation and anxiety and a sense of being down, so he went home to sleep but will be back in the morning before the kids wake up, so hopefully they won't know that he didn't spend the night. Jerry did agree to go back on his respiridone, just a small dose, until he has a chance to see his doctor on Friday. That will hopefully "take the edge off" so to speak, and help him cope with his placement and family obligations a little more easily until then. He's been on it a bunch of times, so I am mostly comfortable with him putting himself back on it without talking to the doctor first. Hopefully he'll find it has a positive effect on his mood! Dylan really, really needs him to be at his best ASAP!!!

Oh, and Dylan's teacher said that while she hadn't had the idea in her mind last week, given how well Dylan had been doing for the previous 3-4 weeks, after this week she decide to send a letter requesting that Dylan be discussed at Team (when various teachers, the VP, and sometimes a social worker or psychologist get together to discuss students who are having some type of difficulty). She said her biggest concerns were: the stuff he's been dealing with at home, the emergence of two new behaviours this week that worried her - denying things he's done and being defiant. I think she jumped the gun a bit, since it was after only 3 days of disruptive behaviour after a few weeks of fairly good behaviour.

That said, if he continues to act out at home and/or at school then at some point something more needs to be done to help him feel better. If he can keep it together at school and only has occasional outbursts at home, then I am not going to consent. However, if he continues to have difficulty at school or the behaviour at home continues to be more frequent and goes into December, then I may consent and just discuss (in generalities) some of the stuff he's dealing with and how other teachers can respond in a helpful way. I would let them know, as well, that if he continues to struggle past the holidays that I will consider whether he might need to hang out with the social worker or something, for a little extra support.

Wow - I really, really never saw us getting to this kind of a place. Last year was such a great school year for Dylan, that I'm just blown away by the change. Granted, he's had a hell of a lot of difficult changes to deal with, and a lot of stress this summer from his Dad's blow ups and our arguing, but still - he's never struggled this much, and he's dealt with a lot in his life already. I guess his resiliency is wearing a bit thin. I just hope I can figure out what he needs to rebuild it so he's healthy and strong again. Of course, I also have to manage to keep myself from getting sucked into the "worry vortex," which would be normal for most people in these circumstances, but even more easy for me to fall into, given that I technically have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Minor detail, lol. Oh well - I've gotten a lot better, trying to be aware of my thoughts, trying to keep myself in the present and being aware of the patterns associated with GAD thinking. A mindful/spiritual/psychological approach, if you will. I guess I'm doing okay, because I've not done anything self-destructive, nor have I fallen into a puddle of panic or anything. Still, I need to do some more deep breathing, positive self-talk and grounding myself, because it is definitely gnawing away at me. In fact, I almost didn't do this entry, because just thinking about the situation in detail made me feel nauseous. But that is, of course, precisely why I did it...hiding from it is worse. At least this way I got it all out...not that I anticipate anyone ever reading this, but that's why it's my Proverbial Sounding Board...hm - maybe "brick wall" would have been more appropriate?

One Up, One Down

So Jerry is continuing to do better. His thinking seems to be back to normal, and his mood is improving. The weekend was fairly good - he was feeling a bit down, but was able to recognize it as a "physiological down" as opposed to a "because of _________ I feel bad." He also noted that he realized it had been a long time since he'd been able to identify that he moods were coming from a place within, as opposed to being caused by someone in the moment. That was very nice to see.

On the other hand, Dylan is suddenly coming home with "medium" and "sad" faces marked in his agenda. He doesn't seem to be able to tell me why, though, which is unusual, and I'm worried that his teacher is marking him more strictly or that he's having a hard time with being mean to other kids again (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to give him a "sad face" for the day, since to me, being kind is more important than sitting still, etc.). So, now I have to meet with his teacher again after school to discuss the situation...again. I am so tired. Tired of worrying, tired of seeing my loved ones struggle, tired of feeling guilty for not being able to give my kids the "intact" family I know they so desperately want. I'm tired of trying to figure out if Dylan is testing his "meanness," or if he has so many angry feelings he doesn't know what to do with them or if he just doesn't realize it's okay to feel mean and that everyone does at time, but that doesn't mean that he's a mean person or that he needs to act them out.

Yes, I am tired. Tired, drained, sad, and feeling somewhat defeated at the moment. I just want everything to be the way it was last year - with my kid going off to school and doing well most of the time, and well within "normal," the kids being used to and happy with (for the most part, anyway), the schedule we had for "family" and "daddy time," not having to worry about Jerry, etc. I even told Dylan "hey, I know you can go to school, be kind to your friends, and keep your body to yourself throughout most of carpet time, because you did all of that last year. So, if you can go back to doing those things, sure I'll get you a Wii with the Wipeout game, okay?" He didn't like that he'd still have to wait until March Break to show me that he was going to do it consistently, but I pointed out that is still a lot less time to wait than 2 years (until he's 8 years old). Bribery...parenting faux pas? I don't really give a &%$# right now.

So, for now all I can do is go in and talk to his teacher and try to convince her to let him chose to sit at his desk if that is the only way he feels like he can keep his body to himself. We'll see - she said no that last time, but maybe now that her friend, who filled in for her for a week, let him do it and found that he made it work, she'll be more receptive to the idea.

On(wards) and Upwards

So Jerry called on Thursday to tell me his doctor had given him the go-ahead to stop his Valproex that day, and to start with a small dose of Lithium on Friday, with the dose being increased over the weekend, until he is back on a full dose on Monday. We kept to our plan to have him just come on Friday evening for a few hours. Much to my surprise, since I was expecting and prepared for some kind of withdrawal symptoms, I could see a difference in him immediately. His eyes were brighter and more alert, his face was not pulled tight with frustration and irritation - in fact, there was almost a relaxed, content look about it. He was much more engaged with the kids, despite still having his nasty cough (which I suspect is bronchitis), and did not seem as exhausted and run down. It's funny, because it was hard to put words to what I noticed from the moment he came in, but there was a definite, palpable difference - reminds me of what some people say about people having an energy field, and how it can be sensed if you're attuned to it. I don't notice it often with other people, but I seem quite attuned to Jerry's, perhaps out of years of learning to predict what kind of space he was in, so that I could be prepared? Who knows.

The one thing I was frustrated to hear was that his doctor was reluctant and concerned about putting him back on Lithium. Drives me a bit mad (excuse the pun) that he doesn't get what bad shape Jerry has been in, and how crappy things have been since the medication switch. I suppose I shouldn't jump to conclusions, since I have no idea what Jerry has told him about anything, but it makes me feel like I really want to meet with him, so that I can tell him what I experienced/saw since the change, ask him some questions (like what's up with all this nervousness about toxicity when Lithium is still considered the first-line choice for bipolar meds and has a reputation for being safe for many years, etc.), and address my concern about his take on my concerns (as reported by Jerry); according to Jerry, his doctor has been assuming that my concerns have been more a product of an "over-sensitive spouse" and not so much about the degree to which a spouse has become attuned to their bipolar spouse's moods. If someone had taken my observations regarding his shorter fuse and higher level of agitation seriously in the first place, perhaps even requesting to speak to me in person to get a better sense of the situation, this whole situation (including the damage done to the kids from the arguing, lost tempers, and ultimately, being scratched in the face by someone who really did lose control of their behaviour).

Oh well, for now, things are looking much more hopeful. In fact, yesterday was so good that Jerry and I decided it would be appropriate for him to come by this afternoon, and possibly tomorrow at some point. Hopefully it will be as nice as yesterday, and the kids will "get their fill" of their dad this weekend, which I don't think they have since school started.

Not an Easy Morning...or is it mourning?

So, therapy started off badly (with Jerry providing an account of the weekend that couldn't have been much further from the truth if he tried...although it's probably how he experienced it), but ended on a better note, with him agreeing to try to get an earlier appointment with his doctor to switch back to Lithium. Of course, I haven't heard from him since, so I don't know if he's going to follow through or not. In the meantime, he agreed to spend less time around the kids, and will only be coming for a couple of hours on Friday evening, instead of his usual weekend. I haven't told Dylan this yet, as I don't want him to have to process this and cope with school at the same time.

Which brings us to this morning. I had managed to get Dylan and Emily out the door for school, with a reminder about how if he doesn't come nicely he can't watch TV after school. Then, as he walked down the street looking at Halloween decorations happily, his sister started to cry, saying she missed her Dad. Well, that was that - next thing I know Dylan is having one of his meltdowns that only tend to show up when he's very upset about something and is having trouble expressing those feelings (or even understanding them, for that matter). So he started grabbing the stroller, pushing it, trying to climb in it, etc. So I had to take Emily out and brace myself to wait this out. Then Dylan started running back and forth across the street, tipping over the stroller and trying to wreck it. I finally had to grab him, because I was worried about him getting hurt running in front of a car or something. Then he started trying to hit, kick and bite me, so we had to go into "hold mode" where I hold him in a way that he can't easily hurt me. In the meantime, Emily is crying, and obviously freaked out by her brother's behavior, and I have to keep telling them that it's okay, and telling Dylan "hey, I can handle this; we're going to wait until you show me that you're ready to walk to school nicely."

After what seemed like forever, and several embarrassing moments of neighbors passing by later, he settled down. I acknowledged what I believed he was experiencing and why, and he lay in my arms for a while. He didn't want to go to school, but I did finally manage to convince him to go nicely, and he pushed his sister in her stroller most of the way. I let the teacher know what happened, and left, exhausted, scared and anxious (about whether he'd be okay at school), and sad. I got home, took Emily in to our lovely caregiver/adopted family member, went outside and cried. Hard.

I am so tired, and so sad that they are having such a hard time. I'm kicking myself for spending the whole summer with Jerry, because it seems to have recreated the entire loss for Dylan, and given Emily a sense of loss for the first time. It's so heartbreaking to see my kids so upset about the situation, and knowing that all I can do is try my best to give them all of the love and security I can, to help them through the pain. I do wish that they could just get used to it being this way, and fall back into the routine that they have had in recent years, where they don't see him all of the time. But this year is even less than last year, which is way less, obviously, than this summer, so it's just not that easy, unfortunately. Wow, I really, really hope this passes and that they adjust, because it is really hard to cope with seeing them having such a hard time.

Here's to hoping Jerry gets back on his Lithium - and very soon!!!

Ouch

There's nothing like finding out that your child spent an entire afternoon at school repeatedly declaring that they were sad, refusing to eat their snack or play, and hiding behind the curtains. It's so hard to know that Dylan is having all of these feelings, but may or may not even realize where they are coming from. I have tried to casually let him know that it's okay to feel sad that his dad left suddenly (not to mention that he never came back, missed the family halloween party and wasn't there to celebrate his birthday at his grandparents), and let him know that his dad was very busy, but also really wasn't feeling well. However, Dylan astutely pointed out that his dad was not throwing up, and by his estimation having a bad cough isn't really an adequate explanation for his not being able to be here with him. True enough, but when/how do I explain that there's another type of "not feeling well" that is making it so that his Dad can't be here? I know I gave him this explanation (successfully, given his reaction to it) when he was 3, but then it was blatant and, unfortunately since I didn't protect him well enough at that time, in his face. Now that Jerry has his own apartment, Dylan doesn't have to see it all up close, and it is harder to help him understand that his Dad isn't well right now. Plus, now that he's older I have more anxiety around the impact of Dylan developing an understanding of his Dad's mental illness. There's so much stigma, kids tend to personalize everything, and the last thing I want is for my kids to grown up wondering if they will be like this when they grow up (and they probably won't, since they don't have all of the environmental triggers their Dad had), feeling the sting of the stigma attached to mental illness in the family, etc.

In the meantime, I keep going over all of the negative signs I saw, but couldn't piece together at the time. For instance, this morning I realized that Jerry was starting to become more irritable and more short-tempered before he came off the Lithium, but after they started him on Divalproex. So now, I will reread those side effects and see if that is one of the potential ones in the "normal" people they test this stuff on. Also, his resentment about still being separated really intensified after coming off the Lithium - before it was there, but not nearly as strongly, and more in a regretful vs. a resentful way.

And so it goes. This afternoon we have our appointment with our new therapist. I am terrified about it - if he shows (and if he's feeling more himself, he might because he wants to work on things; if he's still not himself, then he might because he'll probably be paranoid about me being there without him), I am so scared about how he'll be acting towards me, how he'll react towards the suggestion that he shouldn't be around the kids right now, etc. I am scared that he will still be putting off or resisting getting into his doctor to get his meds changed back. I am scared about the reprecussions of saying anything that he takes particularly badly, for whatever reason. I am also nervous about the fact that I'm still not sure that our therapist understands how different his thoughts and feelings are when he's unwell, vs. when he is okay - if she takes what he says too seriously, she's going to get a very wrong idea about our "dynamics" and I worry that that could impact on the success of therapy in the future.

Universe, thank you for helping us along the way, and helping me respond in the most helpful way possible today. Thank you for always helping Jerry end up okay, and may things get resolved for the good of everybody, quickly this time!

A Very Quick Catch - Up to the Present

Okay, so a lot has happened since 2009. First, my husband damn near killed himself in his attempt to get help from people who apparently kept sending him home, saying that he seemed "okay enough" (that's what you get at CAMH sometimes, because if you're not psychotic or acutely suicidal, you're better off than most of who they've seen that day). So, long story short, he was in the ICU section of the ER for the better part of a day, and sometime after that he ended up back at CAMH just long enough for me to "inform" the psychiatrist that I thought he was Bipolar, and why. Lucky for me, this particular doctor wasn't at all put off by my providing him with a diagnosis for my husband, and they started him on Lithium. Well, talk about transformations! It was like I got my "old husband" back in a matter of...wow - I can't remember now, but it seemed like no time at all, and couldn't have been more than a few weeks or so. All the anger, rage, and hatred he had felt towards me while sick, pretty much vanished. Okay, well it was lessened to the point that he felt love for me, didn't misread everything I said, and didn't want to hurt me (emotionally) anymore. Not that he suddenly thought I was all sunshine and roses, but my status of a decent, loving wife was returned to me, which was in itself, a miracle.

There was no doubt that my husband was bipolar, that he was the "atypical" type (i.e. angry, irritable and mean, vs. euphoric when in a manic phase), and that he responded very, very well to medication. He also had Post Traumatic Stess Disorder resulting from the abuse he had experienced during his childhood. So, we knew these things by May of 2009, if I remember correctly (which I may or may not). By September 2009 we were friends again, he was spending a lot of time (and pretty good, quality time) with the kids, and over the next two years it was so, so much better. Did we reconcile? Well, no. First, I needed a good year or so to know that he was really better. And he was - he stayed off drugs, went back to school, and managed to remain pretty stable, albeit with some issues associated with PTSD still in the picture (i.e. it was still not easy for him to cope with kids acting up, but at least he did a fairly good job at it).

Which brings us to the second thing I needed to see - I needed him to "up his parenting." This took a lot longer, probably because it is affected so much by his PTSD (he was very, very badly physically and psychologically abused by his step-father, not to mention almost not parented at all by his mother, and abandoned by his father). Slowly but surely, this got a lot better, though. To the point where I could certainly trust him alone with the kids, and know that at worst he might get too frustrated and no longer be as patient as I would like (I really do have very high parenting standards, the poor guy). In fact, last year he watched the kids two nights a week when I was in practicum, and only once did it go "badly" - even then "badly" just meant that he lost his cool, raised his voice, and wasn't too nice when my son acted up once night. Nothing major, and nothing like when he was unwell.

Third, we had to learn how to be a couple - a couple who can work as a team and not have little arguments all the time (and by "little" I mean an ongoing and noticeable level of tension that is uncomfortable for the kids). This is where we were at in May, 2011. So, that is why I'm still pretty damn mad that his doctor chose to try changing his medication in June. Yes, Lithium has the potential to become toxic - I get that. However, it can happen in the very distant future or potentially not at all, so why change what's working when there are still young kids involved? Seems like a pretty damn big risk from me & the kids' side of the equation. Despite my misgivings, my husband agreed to the change, and slowly over the next couple of months things have deteriorated.

August was the first signs of something being wrong. Jerry was more irritable, much more short-tempered, especially with Dylan and I, and I started feeling like I was walking on egg shells again. At first, it seemed to stem from a bad weekend we had at a family reunion - the first couple of days were okay, but on the third day the tension between us went way up. I knew why I was on edge - too much family (not that I don't love them, but I always feel my "black sheep issues" come up when I'm around them all), and I thought I knew why he was on edge (feeling like he's being watched and evaluated), but when I suggested we let it go afterwards, he just couldn't do it. Where I could say 'hey, that was a crappy weekend, and we weren't our best, but that was a lot of pressure - I am totally willing to let this go,' he just couldn't.

A couple more bad camping trips later, and it was back to school for all of us. This year, though, unlike last year, Jerry was really struggling to keep up. He seemed depressed and anxious. He was really disconnecting from me, and to an extent from the kids as well. He was trying to work at the same time, and so was not getting nearly enough sleep - a potential trigger for Bipolar, too. But overall, I was definitely getting this sick, nagging feeling - call it "been there, done this" intuition, very finely tuned for survival, that told me this was his medication. Not that he was fully manic or depressive to this point, but things were going downhill, and I didn't like what I was seeing.

We started therapy recently, and it really sucked to have her not knowing him from before (i.e. on lithium) and coming into it at this point. She doesn't seem to be able to see what I see, and unfortunately that has always been the case (honestly, the number of doctors I tried to warn about what was coming...I was never wrong, and it was never good when they wouldn't listen). Since he is fully convinced in the accuracy of his perceptions, he is very, very convincing. I, on the other hand, come off as the "over sensitive" wife, who reads too much into everything because she's so scared that he'll get sick again.

Except that I'm not. Two things he kept repeating as reasons why it wasn't his medication were 1. I'm not calling you names, throwing things or punching things like I used to, and 2. I may be more short-tempered with the kids, but I'm still a lot better than I was. Well, last weekend he got angry with Dylan, who was acting out, and scratched his *&%$ing face, saying "how do you like it?" He left a pretty nasty scratch, and one very minor scratch, and his son was pretty upset about it all. Dylan felt better when he did finally come back and apologize, but still - this was absolutely over the line, and Jerry knew it. Ironically, just the day before he had finally opened up and become willing to approach his doctor about his medication, because he'd started having panic attacks again, which was new and freaking him out. Then this happened, and he said, again, that he would call his doctor this week. Of course, he didn't - not until Thursday (this had happened on a Sunday), so of course he didn't hear back by the weekend - and our son's birthday!

During Dylan's party, Jerry got mad at me a few times for "not listening" to him - didn't seem to notice that I had a bunch of 6-year-olds talking to me at the exact same time, or that I was trying to finish counting a handful of tiny, glow-in-the-dark spiders at the time, etc. Having moments of marital tension in the middle of a birthday party is not cool with me! I managed to move it along alright, but it made me very uncomfortable. Then, this morning (the next day), he woke up stuck in his anger, and determined to make it about me (because what else could it possibly be, right?). No matter what I said or did, there was no use - he got madder and madder. He called me callous in front of the kids, and when I went outside he followed me out and kept going. Then he lost it, hit the door (half-heartedly, but only with the greatest effort to control himself), told the kids he needed to "do some stuff" and left. To put this in context, he's spent Friday through Sunday at our house for the last year and a half or more. So now he was just gone, on a Saturday morning, with no explanation.

So, off I went to swimming, then to the family halloween party for my daughter's school, by myself. Luckily the kids haven't asked why their Dad isn't here...yet. I'm not sure what to say when they do, either. In the meantime, I feel I have no choice but to cut down on the amount of time he's spending with us, and hoping that this will get resolved before it gets totally out-of-control (as in him using drugs again, becoming suicidal again, etc. as opposed to him hurting my kid, which is out-of-control enough, but not life or death).

So, here's to hope. And, in the meantime, a bird's-eye-view of my experience co-parenting with someone with not-quite-treated-enough Bipolar.