So, therapy started off badly (with Jerry providing an account of the weekend that couldn't have been much further from the truth if he tried...although it's probably how he experienced it), but ended on a better note, with him agreeing to try to get an earlier appointment with his doctor to switch back to Lithium. Of course, I haven't heard from him since, so I don't know if he's going to follow through or not. In the meantime, he agreed to spend less time around the kids, and will only be coming for a couple of hours on Friday evening, instead of his usual weekend. I haven't told Dylan this yet, as I don't want him to have to process this and cope with school at the same time.
Which brings us to this morning. I had managed to get Dylan and Emily out the door for school, with a reminder about how if he doesn't come nicely he can't watch TV after school. Then, as he walked down the street looking at Halloween decorations happily, his sister started to cry, saying she missed her Dad. Well, that was that - next thing I know Dylan is having one of his meltdowns that only tend to show up when he's very upset about something and is having trouble expressing those feelings (or even understanding them, for that matter). So he started grabbing the stroller, pushing it, trying to climb in it, etc. So I had to take Emily out and brace myself to wait this out. Then Dylan started running back and forth across the street, tipping over the stroller and trying to wreck it. I finally had to grab him, because I was worried about him getting hurt running in front of a car or something. Then he started trying to hit, kick and bite me, so we had to go into "hold mode" where I hold him in a way that he can't easily hurt me. In the meantime, Emily is crying, and obviously freaked out by her brother's behavior, and I have to keep telling them that it's okay, and telling Dylan "hey, I can handle this; we're going to wait until you show me that you're ready to walk to school nicely."
After what seemed like forever, and several embarrassing moments of neighbors passing by later, he settled down. I acknowledged what I believed he was experiencing and why, and he lay in my arms for a while. He didn't want to go to school, but I did finally manage to convince him to go nicely, and he pushed his sister in her stroller most of the way. I let the teacher know what happened, and left, exhausted, scared and anxious (about whether he'd be okay at school), and sad. I got home, took Emily in to our lovely caregiver/adopted family member, went outside and cried. Hard.
I am so tired, and so sad that they are having such a hard time. I'm kicking myself for spending the whole summer with Jerry, because it seems to have recreated the entire loss for Dylan, and given Emily a sense of loss for the first time. It's so heartbreaking to see my kids so upset about the situation, and knowing that all I can do is try my best to give them all of the love and security I can, to help them through the pain. I do wish that they could just get used to it being this way, and fall back into the routine that they have had in recent years, where they don't see him all of the time. But this year is even less than last year, which is way less, obviously, than this summer, so it's just not that easy, unfortunately. Wow, I really, really hope this passes and that they adjust, because it is really hard to cope with seeing them having such a hard time.
Here's to hoping Jerry gets back on his Lithium - and very soon!!!
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