Clouds All Around, with a Speck of Sunshine

Jerry has seen the kids 3 times in the last 8 months. He has called only a few times. The kids haven't heard from him in over a month. I am fucking ANGRY. I expected that unmedicated and on drugs he would be a shitty father, but this level of abandonment was really not expected on any level. I feel like he has completely and utterly abandoned them. I have struggled with feeling torn about what is in their best interests, and ours as a family, since when Jerry was in contact with me from June to August it was so stressful - full of threats (to take me to court to gain unsupervised access), breaking commitments to see them, and sabotaging every opportunity to visit them that he was offered. Each email sent me into a tailspin - most of them made no sense, were full of unfounded accusations, and were threatening or just full of lies (or delusions - it's very often hard to distinguish when he's unwell). The kids were doing really well with the complete lack of contact between him and them in those months (his contact was limited to harassing me via email, once I told him I could no longer speak to him on the phone, because it was too insane, and at the very least email gave me something concrete to hold onto, and something that I could run by others and get feedback on).

However, after seeing him for their birthdays in October, Dylan in particular, started struggling. In the two weeks following the first visit he started stealing little things from kids at school. That finally stopped for a while, and then restarted for a short time a little while after the second visit. It took me a while to see it clearly, but his mood also changed. He has been more reactive to little things, less compliant and more likely to whine, cry or yell when asked to do something he doesn't want to do. I found out recently that while things have been going great with him in the classroom, recess and lunch breaks have been more of a problem. He has joined a friend in bullying his other "best friend," saying mean things to him, occasionally shoving him, excluding the boy from playing with him and the other friend, and so forth. He felt really badly about it when I told him that his other best friend's mom had called the school, and that this friend had been very upset about how Dylan had been treating him and the things the two boys had done to him.

The same week I found out he's been rough with another boy he doesn't really know well. They said that this boy had been "covered in bruises" and that he said it was from Dylan. Now, this seems bizarre to me, since Dylan is not at all strong, big or heavy and has never bruised anyone in his life, but one thing does seem certain - he's been rough, and this is so not like him and not okay with me. Again, he felt terrible when he found out that he'd hurt this boy and that this boy was afraid of him. He decided on his own that he would try to play less with this friend of his who has become really aggressive this year. This is a friend he's had since JK and who he keeps saying he wants to be like, so it's awesome that he came to this decision by himself. He is trying to spend more time with the other best friend, be nicer to him, and to be nicer to the other boy he had scared. This is all good - and so far seems to be going pretty well.

I also spoke to the playground monitor that he's been having a hard time with. She said Dylan is picking the wrong kids to try to play with at lunch time, and that he is being targeted by the other kids, who are tattling on him to try to get him in trouble, because he now has a reputation for being in trouble. She has struggled with how to handle it, because while she knows this, and sees that he is probably being blamed for things he doesn't do as well as some he does, she feels obligated to discipline him if she is told that he's done something. We had a great talk, and I even lent her the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," since it provides alternatives to punishment in dealing with kids' behavior, and she seems very open-minded to trying new things in this context. I now drop by at lunch time to see how things are going for him and to keep an eye out for him, although I will soon have to start my data analysis for my dissertation and will not be able to do this once I begin.

The principal suggested having Dylan discussed at team, which I immediately rejected, since she was basing the suggestion on two phone calls in one week, after a year of not having any significant problems (i.e. office visits, phone calls from parents or anything else "serious"). However, what it comes down to is that he seems to be having much more intense reactions to little things, suggesting that almost certainly he is having feelings about his Dad (and missing his cousins, he has also told me), and that he is struggling to cope with them. They therefore spill out into his everyday interactions, as magnified responses to minor issues. This coupled with not-at-all-stellar impulse control, courtesy of genetics, makes for the increased likelyhood of acting out in ways that he wouldn't if he weren't dealing with so much shit - like the fact that the father he loves and adores and idealizes is fucking GONE. Crappy hand.

And worse yet, once I sense that he's struggling, I crumble - at least temporarily. As soon as these two phone calls came in, I panicked. I hate it when my kids aren't okay...I realized last night that this makes perfect sense - I have no social life (I'm either busy or damn tired, and always feel stressed at the idea of doing anything, let alone paying for babysitting so I can do something without the kids), no romantic life, an AWOL ex-husband (otherwise a harassing, threatening, delusional one), and am doing a degree that feels like an exercise in torture when all I'd really like to do is actually be DOING the work I want to do (albeit not full time because my kids need me too much - they hate it when I have school and can't take them for lunch and have to send Ellie to "daycare"). This does NOT leave me space for joy in my life, outside of my children. So, when the children struggle, I fall apart (again, usually only temporarily, but emotionally it's still brutal in the short term) - if they aren't okay, then they go from being the joy to being my primary source of stress, because then I have to figure out how to get them back on their feet, and worry tremendously about them.

So, I have had a few revelations in the last 24 hours, after a week or so of feeling very dark and bleak. First, I am shocked at the anger towards Jerry that has come up for me. It's been there, but I've kept it at bay by distancing myself as much as possible from him, or any thoughts of him, outside of logistics of arranging the birthday and Christmas visits, and trying to help the kids acknowledge whatever feelings they may be having about missing him. Seeing that my son is struggling, however, has unleashed an immense well of anger - rage, even - at the fact that he has just abandoned them. I think things like: "what the fuck are you doing!?! You're out there in hicksville with your shitty family who has done NOTHING to support you your whole life, who didn't even show up when you were hospitalized like 5 times, except the one time it looked like you might fucking die. How are you spending your days? What are you doing all of those hours that you aren't calling your kids (or Skyping them like you have promised them several times that you will)? Are you just fucking slutty girls and getting stoned all day? Do you think about them? Do you care that you've just abandoned them? Do you give a rat's ass about their feelings and interpretations of your not being in their lives anymore? Do you even wonder how they are doing at school? What they are into these days? Who their friends are? ANYTHING!?!?!?!?! HELLO, ARE YOU OUT THERE?

Of course, the intensity of my reaction, coupled with the thought that it may not be "normal" for me to already be worried about the prospect of him knocking someone else up, accidentally or on purpose, and actually putting in some effort to trying to parent another child or children, and having to explain to my kids why he's being a Dad to his "other kids" and not to them, has led me to wonder if any of my reaction is unresolved issues of my own that I didn't think I had. My Dad had a kid with my step monster when I was 13 years-old. I LOVED babies, so I was actually thrilled at first, but then they went and moved to Florida about a year later, taking my half-sister with them (obviously). They made a whole new life there, and they were their own little family, and I felt like the never-good-enough daughter they never really wanted, but fought for because I (and my sister) were all they had until baby came along. I do find it nauseating that my Dad tortured my Mom and my sister and I for over 4 years, dragging us through a very long, very ugly custody battle, only to just flee the moment he had a new baby. It's a sickening example of how men do indeed use their kids to torture the women who left them. Not that all men do this, or that women never do this - that's not what I am saying at all. However, I know more examples of this situation than the others, and it seems much more common, and it does make me fucking sick.

Another revelation is that I need to do something about my life. I need to be more okay in and of myself, if only so that I can be a better mother - e.g. less likely to feel like life is nothing but shit if my kids aren't okay. I need to still have joy when they are struggling, so that they can sense on every level that I am okay, and therefore feel that I can get them through this. I like to think that most of the time I can fake this well enough, but I know there are days here and there where I am grumpy, impatient, and negative with them when they are acting up all over the place, which is exactly when I want to be at my best. Perhaps this is not entirely realistic, but I do think that it is realistic to expect me to be a happy, healthy human being outside of just being a mother, and I really need to work on this. So, I have this hazy list developing in the back of my head, of some things that I should strive towards making happen to help us all feel stronger, happier and to help us all heal from what is really a difficult situation we are in (i.e. having a family member with Bipolar Disorder, and who is no longer stabilized):

1. I need to build a stronger social network, that includes not just support, but FUN. Euchre? Movies? More coffee? Dinner!?! (rarely do that)
2. Kids, especially Dylan at this time, need someone to talk to - some extra support to help him/them process what they have been through, and how they feel about how it is now, without Dad around.
3. I could probably also benefit from talking to someone, and getting some extra support. Perhaps reconnect with my Sedona Method therapist? and/or a "regular" talk-therapy therapist?
4. I want to talk to the medium (or something to that effect) who my Mom recently spoke to a couple of times, who actually nailed a bunch of stuff and gave me a strong sense of credibility (unlike previous people, who were either novice or not good or not true). I really want to know - WTF is up with my life!?! Why does my life feel so blocked? Why can't I sense my purpose? Why do my children have Jerry for a father - why did they choose him!?! Is he a key person in their spiritual path, and if so, what are they seeking to learn from their experience with him in this lifetime? If not (and even if so), what do they need from me as their mother in this life? How do I help them be healthy, happy, actualized human beings in this life? Oh yeah, and who was my grandmother to Emily? What was their connection? Just curious.
5. I need to make sure we are ALL getting enough healthy food (especially protein), sleep and exercise (okay, the kids mostly do, so it's really just me who needs to keep after myself more!)
6. Find more support in my quest to integrate mindfulness into my own life, and that of my children.
7. The Universe really needs to take care of all of this dissertation/internship stuff, because I'm running on empty right now, and I can't see how to get it done in a timely fashion without overloading myself to the point of giving up entirely.
8. The kids and I need to have more fun together, which of course, requires that we all start to heal? Or perhaps we need to find an outlet as a family to do some healing BY experiencing more joy together.
9. I have and will continue to recommit to watching that my negativity doesn't spill out into my interactions with the kids, especially when they are being extra challenging because of their own struggles. I am re-reading "How To Talk...So Kids Will Talk" and will work through it, again, and again if necessary.
10. Puppy needs more joy too - i.e. more walks in the dog park. How in hell this is going to happen is beyond me, but I recall last year that it actually helped me feel better when I got out and was able to enjoy watching him play, while also getting fresh air and exercise myself.

Well, I am exhausted. It doesn't happen often (because I am chronically tired?) but last night I could NOT sleep. I think I got a few restless hours. But I am far to anxious to sleep - too much to do (clinic work, getting in touch with the RDC about getting the last few logistics out of the way so I can actually access this database I need for my dissertation), so I should get some work done...I just hope that my tiredness doesn't mess up my evening with the kids, because last night was AWESOME for all of us, and I want that for them (and me) again. That and having a nice (not to mention) long chat with my Mom last night gave me a real boost out of what felt like way too much darkness over the last several days. I want to keep the momentum going, heading towards more peace, joy, and healing for all of us.

So much, too much...

I want to just reflect, but it's been so long since I've written that so much has happened. I think I will "nutshell" it for now, and fill in the blanks later. Basically, Jerry has spent less and less time with us over the last several months. I couldn't figure out why his being back on Lithium wasn't more helpful. In June Jerry ended up in the CAMH emergency a couple of times, and on the second occasion he told me that he hadn't been taking his meds properly since at least February, and not at all in the last couple of months. He swore he was not using drugs or alcohol, and that he would get on all of the meds he had been prescribed and never mess with them again. Within a week of that, he was clearly manic again, and treating me very badly.

Then, near the end of June, I believe it was, when his best friend/roommate, Gord, sent me a message asking when I last spoke with Jerry. I said it had been a few weeks, and he sent me his phone number and told me to call him. His news was shocking and not, all at the same time. Jerry had "disappeared" a couple of weeks before, taking his all-important electronics, some clothes, and a few other belongings with him while Gord was out. The landlord showed up on the doorstep not long after, saying that Jerry hadn't paid rent for a couple of months. Gord was taken aback, because he'd been giving Jerry his share of the rent to give to the landlord, but apparently Jerry had not done so. Gord also revealed that Jerry had been smoking pot, very heavily, since Gord had moved in with him back in March or so. I still have no way of knowing for sure how long he had been back on drugs by the time Gord moved in. Either way, since Jerry had also failed to pay child support twice out of the last three months, it was clear that there must have been a lot of drug use going on - Jerry had pocketed at least $2400 in rent money and $1456 in child support in a matter of 3 months - that's a lot of extra cash to account for, and there were no major purchases, such as big screen TVs or other electronics, as there have been at times like this in the past.

So, Gord now had to be out the next day, and he suggested I come check to see if I wanted to take anything that had been left behind, because the landlord was going to be throwing it all out in the morning. It was already evening, so I didn't have time to arrange childcare, and decided to take the kids and make sure that nothing important (like photo albums that may have photos that were lost on my last laptop's hard drive) was left behind. I did not plan to tell the kids that their Dad had disappeared, and figured Gord could watch them in the living room while I checked his room. However, when we got there I saw that Jerry had actually left the place in a terrible state, and I wasn't sure that the kids weren't going to figure out what was going on. It was so bad, they had to stay with me while I tried to casually rummage through the remnants of their Dad's things, finding a few treasures that belonged to Devin that had been abandoned.

Over the next 24 hours I was left with another situation to grapple with: Gord, who historically has been extraordinarily loyal to Jerry, had "broken the code" and contacted "the ex wife" and told me about the things Jerry had been up to as of late. I know this was really the last thing he wanted to do, but he had done it anyway. In his words, it wasn't about Jerry anymore, it was about the kids. He felt that I needed to know what was going on in order to be able to protect the kids, and so he had done what he felt had needed to be done. Now, in my books, this is pretty remarkable, considering how badly he's been treated in some of his female relationships, and the fact that he doesn't have his own kids. It takes a pretty great man, in my opinion, to be able to put kids' needs first, when they've never had their own, and to be willing to approach an ex-wife when women have historically proven themselves very untrustworthy and in some instances, downright mean and dishonest. Now Gord was facing being homeless, because he has had some issues with depression and alcoholism that have made it so that he has not been able to work for a while. So for now he has been receiving social assistance, and since he'd been giving Jerry his rent money and Jerry had not actually been paying the rent, Gord was being booted from their apartment. He had no place to go. No one who could take him in. It was the streets or a hostel.

I just couldn't stand this idea. I was about to go away for about a week and a half, and I kept thinking: how is it okay for Gord to have no place to go, and for my place to be sitting empty for so long, after what he did for my kids? So I called my Mom to double check that I hadn't lost my mind...I wanted to let Gord stay at my place while we were gone. He'd lived with us before, before Jerry had left, and he had proven himself to be trustworthy. My Mom agreed it would be a reasonable thing to offer. I made the suggestion to Gord, who (after freaking out about the offer, because it didn't fit with his schema or women or the world) accepted.

Of course, given the situation in Ontario, it has been impossible for Gord to find a place in a price range he can afford. He's been on "geared-to-income" housing waiting lists for years, but still hasn't gotten an offer. The usual ways of finding rooms or apartments to rent have been frustratingly futile. And so, when we returned, I was faced, once again, with the prospect of watching someone I care about end up homeless. After thinking long and hard, I decided to offer for him to continue to stay, on two conditions: 1. he tell no one (I didn't want to have to worry about dealing with Jerry finding out); 2. he comes after the kids are in bed, and leaves before they get up, so that there is no confusion for them (though, funnily enough, Dylan and Emily have both asked repeatedly why Gord can't stay at our house).

It's not been all easy - logistically it can be tricky, and it's always a balancing act having someone crashing on one's couch, but overall it is working out okay. The kids are always happy to see Gord when he "drops by" to get various items or have a shower or use the computer. According to them, he is sleeping at another friend's house, but keeping his stuff here, and coming to using the computer, etc. He has stayed sober, and has been really good with the kids. Also, it is kind of nice having a grown-up around to talk to at the end of the day. I've missed that. It's not the most common arrangement, but then these aren't the most normal circumstances. Hopefully he'll find a place soon - it's been over a month already! Still, even my Mom keeps saying that she hopes he'll continue to come by to see the kids regularly, since they love spending time with him. It's good for them to see that men can be calm and patient, even when they act up (something they would not figure out from their experiences with their Dad).

As for Jerry, well, things are pretty bad for him. I would argue that he's never been this bad before. He hasn't seen his kids since the last week of June (so almost 3 months now). He's only called them twice, and once he only seemed to call them to gain access to me (since I've now decline to talk to him on the phone, and more recently even via email), because he needed me to do something for him. We spent most of the summer in a strange, illogical, confusing email conversation that went something like this: Jerry would rant on and on about how I was doing him wrong. Somewhere in the email he would demand to see the kids. I would reply by trying to defend myself against his accusations, at first, and soon ceased to be willing to even respond, they were so outrageously removed from any semblance of reality.

I would offer for him to see the kids, and ask him when he would like to see them. He would insist on seeing them alone, and wouldn't say anything about when. I would remind him that the court order states that he's only to see the kids while supervised by me, someone I trust, or an access centre. He would argue that the court order was outdated, unnecessary, and that I was just "using the kids" to be vindictive." He would then go on tangents about me taking all of his money (ironically, since he's not paid back any of the loans I gave him or paid for any of the gifts for the kids' Christmas gifts from last year that he said he would pitch in for, nor paid support for 4/5 months as of late) and doing all sorts of terrible things to him. I would calmly reiterate the need for supervision, decline to respond to his rants, and asking him (again) when he would like to see the kids. He would tell me two possible days (usually the day following the email), then I would arrange it, then he would back out or not show last minute.

Anyway, it was a series of very twisted, circular conversations, and a lot of nasty accusations on his part, and a few weeks ago I finally decided it was time: I told him I could no longer continue to try to make arrangements for him to see the kids, and that I was going to contact an access centre so that he could make arrangements through a third party and have his visits at a centre. It also seemed safer for the kids, since he is clearly not on meds and taking drugs, and very much out of touch with reality. So far, despite saying he was on board with this arrangement and that he would call them, he has not been in contact with the centre. Everything has been prepared for intake, but obviously they can't do anything without his cooperation. He says he doesn't have a phone number, so they can't even call him. I do finally have an address from him (whether it's really his or not is beyond me, though). He no longer emails me, calls me, etc. Just tonight, I finally had the courage to take him off my friends list on Facebook. The relief at not having to deal with his hostility, accusations, and delusional ideas is pretty significant. Interestingly, the kids seem to be doing really well without him around. At first, they really missed him and wondered where he was. They both made a lot of sad comments about Jerry being "mean to Dylan" and "nice to Emily," and we talked about why Daddy has sometimes behaved in unkind and sometimes frightening ways around us. I finally tried to be more specific about why "Daddy's unwell," for Dylan. Using my hands I showed him "sad" on one side, "angry" on the other side, and explained that "well" is in the middle. I told him that when Daddy isn't getting the right medicine, his brain makes him swing from feeling a lot of sad to feeling a lot angry, but doesn't give him really any time in the middle, where he can just feel like "his old self." Dylan seemed to find this really helpful, and even said that he could see how his Dad had been mostly one or the other (sad or mad) for the last long while, and that "Daddy's nicer when he's sad." We talked a bit about how while Daddy is sick it is better for us not to be around him very much or at all, but that this really just means that for now we have to stick together and wait for his Dad to hit a long enough "sad" to be able to see that he needs a doctor. Then, I told him, Jerry should be able to get better again. In the meantime, we make a great team, and we have a safe and happy home together, with Dylan, Emily, me and Finnegan (the 1-year-old dog). I told him it was okay to feel whatever feelings he feels about his Dad, and that it is normal to have some different feelings about it, like sad, mad, scared, etc. He agreed to let me know when he's having feelings or thoughts about his Dad. Hopefully he'll do that.

For the first time, Emily finally seemed ready to be introduced to some kind of explanation about why her Dad is gone. I explained that her Dad's brain doesn't work the way most people's brains work, and that right now his brain is making it hard for him to make good choices. She had some questions and seemed to kind of get it, and kind of not (the idea that his is sick in some kind of way seemed to make sense, but I have no idea how much she understands about the fact that it is his brain that is sick and that this affects his behavior). It's been given the status of an "open conversation" in that I occasionally check in to ask how they are feeling about their Dad (e.g. how are you feeling about not having seen Daddy for a while?), but don't press the issue or harp on it. Sometimes they mention him, sometimes they don't. They don't notice things like how he didn't call to see how their first day of school went (for Emily this meant he missed her first day of kindergarten), or that he doesn't comment on their photos on FB anymore (though he does steal my pictures and use them as his profile pictures).

Dylan has had some minor issues getting back into the school routine, but nothing as extreme as last year. Given that his Dad has recently gone AWOL, his cousins went back to Paris right before school started (which he really had a hard time with - cried a lot when we dropped them off at the airport and tried to refuse to leave when it was time), and he's having lunch at school 3 days/week now, I think he's adjusting very nicely. Ellie has stopped saying she misses him, which she did frequently at first. She seems really happy and is adjusting very, very well to kindergarten and 3 mornings a week at "daycare" (which is really just another school Dad who takes her and a few other kids at various times during the school day or after school).

I am doing much better since I cut off communication with Jerry. The emails he sent really tended to put me into a bit of a spin. It was really hard trying to be rational with someone so delusional and angry. School is a bit of a pain right now, as my supervisor is preventing me from starting my dissertation work by not getting back to me with revisions for my final proposal that I need to submit to get access to the database I plan to work with. In the meantime I am trying to get the house whipped into shape, organising the many things that have collected in the dreaded "middle room" (paperwork, largely). I have moments of intense sadness and anger now and then, related to Jerry's abandonment of our children, his complete disregard for their well-being, his delusional ranting, the way he messed up Jerry's life, and just how sad it is that it has come to this, especially given how much better things were so that brief two year period.

It's weird to hear how bad off he was when he was living with Gord. He smoked pot around his neighbors's kids, saying "they don't care" whenever Gord tried to get him to keep it inside so they wouldn't be around it. He got Gord stoned by smoking it around him. He threw temper tantrums, even smashing up a keyboard one night. He's used thousands of dollars that belonged to him or to his kids by using Gord's rent money and not paying support. He left an awesome, awesome job with one of the nicest employers around. He left Toronto, then expected me to get his kids to him (even stating that I would "have to bring the kids to an access centre near Xville so [his] family could see them too; the same family that only once come to see said grandkids, the day Dylan was born - but not even on the day Emily was born). It's all just so bizarre. Oh - and he apparently started dating again, shortly after I told him we were done (maybe before, it's not actually very clear to me). So I now really do feel "finished" with this marriage - there will never be any going back. It's done. I'm done. At the rate he's going in terms of visitation, perhaps even the kids are done. That I don't know. There are fleeting moments when I can feel the grief somewhere deep inside, over the loss of the man I once loved so much; the man who at times was a good man. They are, however, just fleeting. Not sure if that is simply an artifact of how little time I have to just "sit and be" and how much of that is related to the amount of processing I already did in preparation for ending the dream that a reconciliation might one day be possible. I guess I'll find out as I go.

For the Record

Well, my writing time is being eaten up by thesis work, and I have taken to recording visit info about Jerry informally in a Word doc, in case I ever need to explain to a therapist or doctor why I feel he is not so "well" as he is likely saying (and believing) he is. But I figured I'd throw them up here, and hopefully one day I will find time to edit them into more readable form. If not, this is evidence that I really do want to be able to make anyone else out there who is going through this feel less alone...even at the risk of exposing my "unedited" life (I apologize - there seem to be 3 line gaps in place of 1-line paragraph spacing, and there may be incomplete sentences throughout)...so, here's a glimpse at our last few visits:
 

Family Day, 2012

-went with kids and dog to HP

-kids were running ahead; dog interacting with other dogs...Jerry getting frustrated, unbeknownst to me at the time...mad at them for not staying right with us, and mad at me for not taking after them (I was focussed on keeping the dog out of trouble and figured Jerry would be okay watching the kids, who are usually self-occupied once we’re on the off-leash area – getting there and back is never fun, but usually here they are low-maintenance). For some reason, Jerry got really mad at me and Emily when she rode too far ahead on her bike, and that’s when I realized he wasn’t able to handle it (e.g. RE: not just catching up and turning her back around towards us “you told me not to discipline the kids!” – my thought – turning Emily back in our direction, or even just picking up her up and bringing her back to where we were didn’t strike me as discipline – just keeping her safe). At this point, I came back to “kid mode” and started walking along with Emily, but Jerry started walking off. At some point, just around a bend slightly ahead of me, he and Dylan had an exchange in which Jerry felt Dylan wasn’t listening and told him he needed time to himself. Dylan told me after that he told Jerry that he really wanted to walk with him, and that (as Jerry walked away from him anyway) Jerry was hurting his feelings, but that he didn’t say anything and didn’t stop. To Dylan this translated to “I told him, but he still didn’t care.” He kept saying over and over, while crying hysterically “he just left me; he didn’t care; I told him he was hurting my feelings but he didn’t care.” I tried to comfort him, saying that Jerry just needed to have a little time out because he was frustrated, but for whatever reason, Dylan was processing his own emotional stuff, and was very much overwhelmed with feeling abandoned and uncared for. I watched Jerry continue to walk away despite the hysterical crying, and was at a loss. I finally got them up the hill (off the path) and sat and held Dylan while he cried, trying to make sure he knew I heard his feelings, while also occasionally trying to feel out whether I could try to offer him an alternate way of thinking about it. When Jerry came back, I tried to quickly let him know what Dylan was saying, thinking (apparently foolishly) that if he knew that this was how Dylan was feeling he’d feel some compassion for the kid and put his defences down enough to be able to just hug him and/or reassure him a bit. Instead he became more irate, repeating his own version of what had happened each time I tried to say “but it isn’t about whether he’s right or wrong, he’s having these feelings and he needs to know you care!” He stormed off again. He came back again – Dylan was more distraught having been “left” a second time, and in the condition he was in, no less, and when Jerry finally tried to ask him to come talk to him, Dylan refused. I tried to coax him to go talk to Jerry, in hopes they could figure it out, but he refused. Eventually, he was willing to go have a hug. Despite my asking Jerry to just listen to Dylan’s feelings (even pointing out – hey, he’s 6 – it’s not his job to listen first and be heard second – he needs you to make that leap; once he knows you’ve listened I’m sure he’ll be able to listen to your perspective), in the end, it was Dylan who listened to Jerry’s perspective and was willing to accept it and forgive the situation. I felt sick watching what looked to me like the child doing the parent’s job; still I was relieved that Dylan felt better.

The rest of the day went much better (it helped that the kids were really well behaved and occupied, no doubt), but I don’t think any of the 3 of us (me, Emily, or Dylan) felt entirely settled, either. Like being on edge all of the time.

March 23, 2012

This time it was as simple as Dylan not listening on the way home from getting ice cream. He ran into a store, then his sister ran in too. He rolled his eyes and joked around when Jerry told him not to dance while crossing the street. His agitation was pretty high, where I just told Dylan and Emily that I expected them to be polite and behave nicely and listen to grownups when we go out, and that if they cannot do that, then the next time they won’t be able to come to the ice cream store. Then, Dylan walked home the way he always does – exploring people’s front lawns and hopping over gardens, etc. Since it’s just now starting to be spring, he sometimes needs to be reminded not to step in gardens, because they’re going to be growing now. Jerry reminded him just once, and he listened nicely, but Jerry was very agitated about the fact that I let him hop around on people’s lawns, etc. This has been an issue since Dylan was just 1, and my motto has always been that as long as they are respectful (i.e. not going on front porches/stairs, not riding bikes on lawns, not stepping in gardens or playing with things that are on the property – i.e. just walking on the lawn, or following garden stones, or hopping over small garden beds), and listen if anyone asks them not to (which, btw, has never happened – so far it’s only led to smiles or getting to know our neighbors), then it’s fine. Despite this, and despite the fact that during periods when he’s been well he has only expressed minor feelings of discomfort (i.e. he’s still not comfortable with it, because it’s not how he grew up and he worries someone will get mad, but he’s not angry or agitated in response), he decided to express his anger about it, telling me how I don’t care about anybody else as long as my kids are happy, that I don’t respect other people’s property, etc. The kids were close enough to hear it, and I told him I didn’t want to discuss it at the moment. He continued to be angry and irritable all the way home, and once home. He seemed mad when I asked him to play a game with Dylan for 5 minutes, because Dylan had been waiting to do so all week (with Jerry), and was upset when I told him that it was already bedtime. I agreed to let him play for 5min if he agreed to sleep in an extra 5 minutes in the morning. Jerry apparently didn’t like this, though he did stay to do so. Then he got frustrated when he couldn’t use “Dylan” as a screen name on the site, and angry when “Dylan Jones” was taken, going on about how there aren’t that many Dylan’s, etc. Dylan looked concerned and anxious, so I said something to the effect of “I’m not sure why Dad is mad about that – I think it’s kind of cool that there’s another Dylan Jones out there. Oh well!” to try to help him relax about it. Jerry acted annoyed about that as well. I finally asked if he wanted me to play instead, since he seemed tired, but Dylan got upset and said he wanted to do it with his dad. Jerry got mad at me because my email has changed and he used the old one to sign up. it worked out anyway, and we made it through a few minutes of play time before Jerry left. i put the kids to bed on my own. He seems so okay, until something frustrating with the kids happens, then he’s reactive, agitated, controlling, sarcastic, defensive...it’s really frustrating to deal with, and hard to shield the kids from all of the time. I had hoped he could do a low-stress overnight getaway soon, but he clearly still isn’t up to more than brief visits.

11:07pm...phone rang. I debated answering, since I knew it must be him (that is very late for me, so nobody else would call that late). I decided to answer so I wouldn’t have to worry all night, as I was very nervous when I left him a message to tell him I didn’t think an overnight at a hotel was a good idea for now. His first words: are you kidding me? you’re going to be like that?

I told him I had explained in my message that I didn’t want tension to escalate, given that there is already enough after short visits. He said it wasn’t the kids he was mad at, it was me, because I didn’t help him when he asked (RE: Dylan danced in the street). I pointed out he never asked me to help, he only made a sarcastic comment to me “aren’t you going to say something to him?” to which I had replied, no it sounded like you handled the situation already. He said that Dylan hadn’t responded, so I went ahead and asked Dylan what Jerry had said – he shrugged, so I rpt’d...he rolled his eyes, so I explained that it was rude to do that when a grown up speaks to you, and then I moved on from the situation. Jerry was unable to see, on the phone, that everything had made him frustrated and angry (like password names being taken), and that his reactivity is somewhat consistent in any situations that most would find mildly irritating (if at all; eg passwords), and that the fact that it is often me or the kids that he finds irritating and therefore reacts so strongly to, is not surprising – the kids can be annoying, they’re kids; I do have ways that I handle certain things, which he may or may not agree with, but I still have to live my life – I can’t call him to make sure he agrees with every stance I take on every situation that arises with the kids.

Anyway...tired, late, bed. I’m just hoping he doesn’t call again, because he hung up on me (which is also predictable since his meds situation changed).

Next morning (Mar 24)

Called, started getting into issues. I told him that the kids were in the room with me and I couldn’t talk...he kept going. So I told him it’s hard for me to relax after exchanges like this and that I didn’t want to be grumpy or uptight with the kids, since it’s a weekend and I’m with them all day. He said “it’s hard for me too – how do you think i feel?” completely missing the point that I am not worried about the stress persay, i’m worried about the impact it has on my parenting. he kept talking and telling me how unfair i was being, etc. and how it wasn’t the kids he had been mad at yesterday, it was me, etc., and i finally said that i was sorry but that i couldn’t have this conversation and i was going to hang up now. he called back at least a dozen times – the kids, thank goodness, did not ask why i was ignoring the phone.

eventually i picked it up in the bedroom, away from the kids. again i tried to explain that i couldn’t do this now (the previous evening i didn’t want to, but i didn’t end the conversation – he hung up on me, thus i couldn’t understand why he kept saying ‘but you wouldn’t do it last night either’). when Dylan came in at one point and started talking to me, i said ‘hold on, Dylan is talking to me’ but he kept on talking – Dylan could hear his voice (though not his words) even though i held it into my body to hear Dylan and keep him from hearing his dad. with all of his repeat calling i was scared, shaky, nervous and uptight. i told Jerry that when he does this kind of thing i feel scared, but he said, once again, something about how he feels like his opions don’t matter when i won’t talk to him. i asked him to please stop calling, and that i had to go. once i hung up he called back a few more times, and left an nasty message about how hanging up on someone is not a way to win an argument (again, i told him i needed to hang up – several times, so it’s not “hanging up on” him; also, i wasn’t trying to win anything – i was trying to take care of myself so that i could be a good parent to the kids, and to make sure that they didn’t have to be exposed to anxious, upset tones related to a call with their dad.).

in a bit of a déjà vu experience i rushed to get the kids dressed and out the door for our visit to gran’s because i was terrified he was going to come over and insist on a conversation...it didn’t seem like a likely event, but the mere thought that there was any possibility he would really made me feel upset, scared and uptight. this “medicated mania” is hard to predict, and i can never quite keep up with where he’s at, what he might do or say, how he will react, etc. oddly, it was easier to predict before meds – but the outcomes were far worse, so this is still better. i just wish he’d stop being so reactive so the kids could see him more. i noticed looks of worry and anxiety in Dylan the last few times he’s even started to seem at all reactive towards anything. i hate that for him.

ok. that should cover the basics. no word from him since.

p.s. if he was thinking straight, he would have thought about the fact that my answering machine records messages out loud – thank god i turned the volume down in anticipation of him possibly leaving a nasty message.

April 5, 2012

Called Jerry to forewarn him that I was not going to book any camping trips for us in advance, because given how things are going with 1-2 hour visits, I did not feel comfortable with the idea of trying to make a camping trip work, given the potential (or damn likely...didn’t say that) consequences for the kids (i.e. having their dad over-react to their behavior, having that become a “thing” in which I then have to try to buffer for them, which then puts his attention on me, turning into a fight between us instead, which is probably only a tiny bit better, if at all, than having it directed and them and their behavior). He took it poorly, and alternated between saying that he was fine, everything with him was fine, and that I’m arbitrarily making decisions like this despite this fact; and saying that it is very hard for him, and that he’s doing everything he can to make sure that he doesn’t lose it on the kids when he is feeling reactive, e.g. by leaving when he’s losing it on the inside, to prevent himself from losing it on the outside. When I tried to point out that while it is good that he leaves when he needs to (a) the fact that his physiological reactions are so swift and strong is, in itself, indicative that his chemistry is not well-balanced, as it had been for that almost 2 year period, and (b) still has a big impact on the kids, who are left feeling like something they did made their dad leave (again). He took this to mean that I was blaming him and judging him no matter what he did (stay and lose it; leave to prevent leaving it), and couldn’t hear the part about how, even though walking away is a better choice, it still smarts for the kid who triggered it.

Finally, at some point in the conversation, Jerry started asking me again about “where things stand” and this time I finally told him that I really couldn’t continue to do this anymore; that things weren’t getting better, and that since he and his doctor have no plans to try to change anything in terms of medication because he’s just started a new job, there didn’t seem to be any reason to think that his level of stability would be changing at any point in the reasonably-near future. Again, he went back to how he’s fine now, and essentially that his starting a new job proves that (apparently he forgets that he worked, fairly successfully, until he was hospitalized during 2 of his most severe early manias; work is always that last to go, and he can be entirely unstable at home and still stable enough to work – which may be where his current meds will hold him – ok enough to work, but not enough to cope with children or with me).

Throughout this conversation, I should also mention that Jerry kept saying that he was at work and had things he had to do, but each time I said “ok, that’s fine – go do your work” he would start talking again. Even when he finally did hang up, he just called back a few minutes later, after apparently asking a co-worker if he could take a break. His phone connection was bad, and finally after I was not able to hear him for the second or third time, he hung up and went back to work. I was tired, and went to bed.

April 6, 2012

Jerry called. Once again I told him right away that I was with the kids and couldn’t talk. Once again, he refused to end the conversation, stating that it hadn’t mattered to me when he was at work (though I had kept telling him to please, by all means, get back to work – I don’t enjoy these hour-long conversations at all!), and therefore I had no right not to have this conversation now. The fact that the children had a right not to be exposed to it did not seem to matter. At one point he said “just go outside and close the door” at which time I had to remind him that I was in the middle of cutting up food, covered in sticky, etc. He just kept talking; I tried hard to minimize my responses, and when I noticed he was forcing me to say something, and that it was coming out stressed and becoming more difficult to codify so that kids wouldn’t get the gist of the conversation, I washed up and went outside. At that point I reminded him that I was alone with the kids all day and that it is much more difficult to be a great parent when I am sapped by a conversation like this one (i.e. one that goes in circles, with him doing 98% of the talking). He said a bunch of things about how it’s stressful for him – to talk, to not be able to talk, etc., again going around in circles.

Eventually we ended up back in the same conversation as always – why am I doing this? he’s fine; I’m wrong; he’s doing everything he can to not blow up around the kids; back to he’s fine...he couldn’t see the discrepancies in what he was saying – and if I pointed it out (if you were fine, it wouldn’t be such an ordeal to cope with a 1-2 hour visit – it shouldn’t be that hard, if you are stabilized on these meds), but then he would just resort to “it’s you – you’re stressing me out because I feel like I have to be perfect.” I tried to reiterate that my criteria for a visit to count as “good” in my books is that he hasn’t overreacted to the kids (personally, I think that’s a pretty basic standard). Similarly, he would first complain that he’s fine and can’t understand why I’m “not letting him” spend more time with the kids; then he would talk about why he walked out on this visit or that visit, so that he wouldn’t lose his cool with them (or if it got to that point because I had tried to buffer for them, on me). When I tried to point out that it wouldn’t make sense to make visits longer when he hasn’t been able to consistently get through the 1-2hours in the last 7 months, he would go back to saying that it was because I was stressing him out or just change topics.

Again he told me that he was confused and didn’t understand where he stood. I thought I’d made it clear, but this time I was more direct and said that for me, it (our relationship) was over. He said all sorts of things about how I had been lying to him, etc., and when I tried to tell him that I have been saying the exact same thing for months, and that it was essentially still true, he couldn’t hear it...I told him again: unless your doctor is able to get you back to the level of stability you had achieved for the 2 years you were on lithium, but on meds you can stay on forever (vs. lithium or something else that he would need to get switched off of in a year or two or three, potentially leading us right back to where we are again), I can’t do this. Since I don’t see any sign or hope of this happening in the reasonably foreseeable future (since they have no current intentions of changing anything due to his job), and because even once they undertake to try something new there’s no way of knowing how long it will take to find something that will work well enough, I have to stop...I can’t be in this kind of a relationship indefinitely. For me, it is over.

He took this poorly (and I understood). He asked me if there was “someone else;” I assured him there was not (and did not take offence to the question – I was very nice about it). My phone eventually beeped; I warned him my phone was about to die; it died a few moments later. He called back on the cell. Within a few minutes my cell started to die. I started to tell him “my cell is about to die...” and before I could finish (“I’m going up to plug it in, but I just wanted to warn you in case it dies before I can get it plugged in”) he said “if you don’t want to talk to me just say so” (I thought I did – numerous times!) and hung up on me. I left him a message telling him that if he’d let me finish my sentence he would have heard that I planned to plug it in, and that I was going out with the kids for a picnic and wouldn’t have my phone.

Somehow, I managed to take a minute in my room, took several long, deep breaths, and got back to packing the picnic. Within a few minutes of getting to the park with the kids I was able to truly let things go and be “in the now” and give the kids a wonderful day in the park. We spent almost 5 hours at High Park, playing, eating, and the kids had a blast. It was a nice Good Friday for them, which was what I wanted, especially after the terrible Family Day we’d had, when Jerry had stormed off and left Dylan distraught.

A few minutes after putting the kids down Jerry called again. Right back into the same conversation. He said he didn’t understand “where things stood” and I tried to clarify (again) for him. But he kept turning the conversation. Sara had to overhear a couple of minutes of it on either end, because he called on my cell when my phone line was busy (!?!). I let her go because he wouldn’t answer my one question: will you be able to come for an hour or two on Sunday, to see the kids for Easter (he’d already said he couldn’t come up tomorrow, after all, because of what is “going on”). He wouldn’t answer the question, and after many more minutes of terrible conversation (mostly one-sided, and quite paranoid – e.g. when he said he wanted to make it official and do the paperwork for a divorce, if this is what I wanted (for it to be over), I said that the paperwork did not mean anything to me, but that if he wanted me to sign divorce papers asap, I would; his response: you’re not going to put this on me!! We went through this loop of the circular conversation several times before I could finally get him to explain what he meant by this...he said “you just want to put it on me so that you can run around and tell everyone that I divorced you.” I tried to reason with him, pointing out that that would require me to blatantly lie, and that I’ve never, ever done anything even remotely like that before, so I wasn’t about to start now...but he couldn’t hear any of it. He kept going on and on about all of these same things. Finally, I said for the umpteenth time that I would sign the papers asap if that was what he wanted, but that I would appreciate it if he could put me on his new insurance when he got it, and hold off if necessary, until I got my school insurance (in Sept), so I wouldn’t have to add yet another $160/month to my already very high bills from taking care of the kids, financially. He said something about not helping me commit fraud – to which I very quickly pointed out was not my intention; for so long as we are separated he can put me on, and I have no idea whether or not he can keep me on as long as I don’t remarry, but that I wanted to at least be on for now, when we know for sure it’s ok. He said he can’t keep me on if we divorce, and that he knows this because “I’ve had jobs my whole life” (zing on me). I pointed out that we know what we need to know and he’d have had no reason to look into that, and he didn’t deny it. Sara called back (as I’d requested, to prevent another hour or more of this conversation, and because we’d been talking), and I asked him, yet again, to please just let me know about Sunday. He then finally gave me a non-answer, stating that he wouldn’t come if we didn’t sit down and talk this out first. I told him I didn’t appreciate feeling like I was being blackmailed into having a sit-down conversation with him to avoid my kids being disappointed about not seeing their dad this weekend, especially since it is Easter weekend. He said that wasn’t what he was doing, but that we had to talk about it. I said I would be willing to have another session with Claire (several times in the midst of our last few conversations, he’d said that I was refusing to have another session with Claire – despite my having offered a couple of weeks ago – so I figured he would be glad about that), he said that “we don’t need her and we don’t need to be wasting any more money on her”). 3 or 4 more times I repeated “can you please just tell me whether you can come to see the kids on Sunday [for an hour or two, sometimes inserted].” He refused to answer each time, kept trying to keep talking about other things or making sarcastic comments, before finally saying “have a nice life” and hanging up on me. Sara said she felt exhausted just from the minute she had to listen to the conversation. At least the kids were in bed this time (and with the sound machine, no less).

Once again, I am scared to answer my own phone in case it is him...and scared to end a conversation with him in case he won’t take no for an answer and keeps calling back. At this point, I just hope that he can get it together long enough to come and focus on the kids and their Easter for just an hour or two, to make them happy. I am not at all sure that will happen. If he does tell me he’s coming, my contingency plan is this: have an easter egg hunt ready to go, so that the focus should be on the kids and helping them with clues, etc. – keeps them busy, and keeps him focussed on them (I hope/think).

Waiting for More Steps Forward

Real date for this entry was Jan 24th. Apparently I left it in draft mode, and didn't realize it!

1 step forward, 2 back, as they say. Life is never boring, but I have to say that the last few months having been particularly taxing. So, Jerry is still on Lithium, plus a new "sister drug" to Seroquel, but still not seeming any better, from what I can tell. Lots of stress around parenting with him, including one argument that Dylan, unfortunately, overheard. Dylan has this giant elephant that he has had since he was a few months old. It used to have a song and move its trunk, and it could be sat on. Now, it is broken - it doesn't play music, move its trunk, and it's leg broke so it falls over all of the time. It also had gaping holes in a couple of places. So, since it takes up so much room and I've been working diligently to make more useable space around here, and to organize what we do have, I said that elephant needed to go to the garbage. Well, that was apparently foolish on my part - Dylan was distraught, and while I was quickly willing to reverse my decision he went for 0 to 60mph so quickly that it took him about 15 minutes just to calm down enough to finally hear me say (for the thousanth time) "ok, we'll come up with a different solution; you can keep the elephant." Dylan was able to tell me that he was very upset that I even suggested throwing out his elephant, because "he wouldn't be safe in the garbage!!!" He clung to the elephant the rest of the day and evening, and elephant took up his new place at the end of Dylan's bed.

Later that night Emily, who was just moved into her big girl bed in Dylan's room, wouldn't stop talking and making it impossible for Dylan to sleep, so as per our previous agreement I moved Dylan to my bed to fall asleep. Well, he would NOT leave without his elephant - he cried, argued, whined and put up a big fuss all-around. I had not eaten all day, I was tired, and Jerry was getting very frustrated, which tends to up my stress level by about a 1000%, so I quickly lost patience and resorted to empty threats in a vain attempt to make it all stop quickly. So, stupidly, I told Dylan that if he didn't settle down and go to sleep quietly I would have to throw out the elephant, because I wasn't about to go through this hassle every time I have to put him to sleep in my room. Well, Dylan was also very tired that day, and he did not listen to my threat, even when I said our key phrase "last chance." Normally, that's that - the last chance is the last chance and I follow through 99% of the time. Dylan knows this and usually complies about 85% of the time. Not tonight.

So then, of course, I'm trapped in the classic parent-trap: I've made a dumb-ass threat that I'm not willing to follow through on, and the kid isn't listening. To me, this would normally signal time for Mommy to have a time-out and think about how to fix the situation. To Jerry, this signalled that someone else clearly needed to step in and follow through to "teach" Dylan that there are "consequences." The likelihood of traumatizing a six-year-old who still magically believes that his beloved toy won't "be safe" in the garbage has no effect on Jerry, who threatened to go and do it himself. Luckily he stopped before he got upstairs, but he was MAD. He was so furious that Dylan was "getting away with" his behaviour, that I wasn't following through on what I said was going to happen, and was convinced that no matter how unfair the consequence, if it was threatened it must be followed through on.

No amount of talking to him about me being the grown-up and having to take responsibility for my own mistakes, fixing what I've done wrong, etc. could make him any less mad. He felt that Dylan needed to be "taught a lesson" and this wasn't it. I even told Dylan that I would be deciding what to do about the elephant in the morning, to buy us some time to talk, but even that pissed Jerry off. There was no getting through to him. My feeling was very strong: I follow through with a punishment that was clearly out-of-proportion to the situation and all that would be accomplished would be having a 6-year-old boy who is devastated and scared for his elephant, who feels like I am mean, and who would no longer be able to focus on his own behaviour, let alone learn to take responsibility for it.

So, Jerry finally stormed off, and I took my few minutes to put him out of my mind and focus on the situation. My solution was this: Dylan was told that if he didn't settle down, be quiet and go to sleep right away I would be moving elephant back downstairs, where he would be safely suspended from the ceiling - he'd still be here & he'd be safe (solving Dylan's problem with putting him in the garbage), he'd be out of the way (solving my space problem), and I wouldn't have to battle every night about moving the very heavy, akward elephant on and off the upper bunk (the more immediate problem solved). The only problem not addressed by this solution was Dylan's concern about not being able to hug or play with it anymore, but that would be a logical consequence of not going to sleep nicely without it, when necessary. Problem solved. Right? Not according to Jerry, but other people I spoke with felt it was fair, allowed me to model self-responsibility, and to provide reasonable consequences to Dylan's behavior. Jerry is still mad, weeks later. Dylan's interpretation of the part of the argument he overheard (before I got Jerry to come outside to finish discussing the issue): Daddy was being mean and doing the wrong thing; Mommy was being nice and doing a good choice. Not the kind of conclusion I want my kids to be coming to - that's not fair to them, and it doesn't make for a good "parenting team," either.

So, visits are still limited to a few hours on Fridays. The kids are actually doing really well, and have been told that Daddy is having to work a lot on weekends.

Not the Weekend We Had Planned

Jerry wasn't feeling as well as I'd hoped this weekend. Although he did well with the kids on Friday evening, he wasn't feeling particularly happy or positive, and so his engagement with them required a lot of effort on his part. He also mentioned feeling upset about Dylan's expression of anxiety in reference to his visit, and anxious about the fact that I've told Dylan that his Dad is okay now, and that his medicine is working. I think he felt pressure to perform, as a result - or fear of living up to the standard of "well" at this point.

On Saturday morning, Jerry seemed very reactive - visibly frustrated and angry when Dylan was having a hard time over something small, criticizing my parenting and approach to dealing with the situation, and having difficulty being empathic to the fact that Dylan is having such a hard time, and is not able to express it outside of overreacting to small situations. He expressed some anxiety about our planned overnight to my parents' house. I encouraged him to go back to sleep until swimming, and woke him up after noon. He was still feeling agitated, but came along to swimming, and planned to still join us going up to Gran's afterwards. However, halfway through swimming, after coming back from going to get a bite to eat, he declared that he did not feel up to the trip, and did not feel that he would be able to handle being around the kids this weekend. He was scared that he would not be able to "be okay" in front of the kids, even with the plan to have him out doing random things (like mowing the fields, etc. which is actually pretty damn relaxing), and only popping in when he felt up to spending 10-15 minutes of "quality time" with them. I panicked, but eventually relented. All I could think is "I don't know how to make this okay for Dylan. I don't know how to hold Dylan together if you can't hold it together!!!"

Dylan took the news that his Dad had been "called into work for an emergency" and couldn't join us after all. His Dad told him, and put a lot of energy into faking "okeyness" for the last few minutes he was with them. This seemed to pay off, and the kids LOVED their sleepover at their Gran's. They spent a lot of time with their Grandad, who despite his Alzheimer's has been doing really well with them lately (thank you, antidepressants). Dylan, especially, seems glued to his Grandad the last few visits - I guess he's looking for a stable man in his life? Hopefully Grandad can keep this up - I know Christmas season is really hard for him, and he often goes downhill for a few months afterwards.

One odd thing happened during our visit, however. While on the tractor, Dylan suddenly started saying he was scared. This is very out of character for him, and I tried to take some time to reassure him. A few minutes later he said "Mom, I wish I had your life. There are too many scary things in mine" or something to that effect. When I tried to get him to elaborate, he would not. He said both that "it's hard to explain" and that "there are no little things, only big ones" in response to my suggestion that he experiment talking to me about what is scaring him by starting with something little. That was very disconcerting, and I always carry anxiety around the idea of something bad happening to my kids, and me not knowing about about! I hope there is nothing bad that has happened, that he's just not telling me, but in the meantime I can only guess that he's got a lot of fear around his Dad's well being. I wish he could tell me more - I don't know if he even knows, though.

Now Dylan is home for the second day in a row, as he has an ear infection. Yesterday he also came down with a fever. I'm worried about sending him back to school, as his hearing has been quite affected by the fluid in his ears. If it's hard for him to keep settled in his french classroom when he can hear, I can only imagine how hard it would be if he can't hear well! In the meantime, this may help explain his sudden difficulties last week - he always acted nuts when his ears got like this when he was younger, so maybe it's largely from his feeling discombobulated from his ear infection...I'm hopeful! Hopefully his teacher will take this into account when writing up his report card.

Okay, the kids are descending on the ground floor. Guess nap time is over...

Limits: At them/Need Them

So the discussion with Dylan's teacher went well. My fears were unfounded, in fact just the opposite problem was true - turns out, she's been cutting him too much slack, because she knows he's got so much going on at home lately. So, we had to come up with some firm boundaries for Dylan in the classroom, to put an end to his classroom antics, which include things like going under desks, leaning back on people and playing his own game of duck-duck-goose during carpet time. I basically suggested that she keep her empathy, but firm up the boundaries at the same time, because clearly he can't be acting so wacky in the middle of instruction, and he knows that. So, he gets a warning for really disruptive behavior, and if he doesn't stop he goes to a "quiet spot," then if he still doesn't settle down he gets one more warning before having to go to the office to do some independent work. Today, he didn't pull those antics. She also agreed to let him choose to sit at his desk during carpet time, if he feels like he can't keep his body to himself. He seems to use that well - he left a few times today, sat quietly at his desk, and then returned. Next the trick will be to figure out when he's sorted through whatever is bothering him and is ready to be challenged to stay with the group more. For now, however, he clearly has a lot gnawing away at him, as he's acting out all over the place.

Which brings us to lunch. I got a call from his caregiver saying he was trying to hurt her (trying to bite her at one point, then tossing toys out of a tree house at her), and refusing to go to school. By the time I got to the friends' house, school was already in and he was in the massive tree house structure, and refusing to come out. He makes it seem like a game, but I know (thanks to the seminar yesterday) that it's probably just another way to avoid the feelings he has and doesn't like and doesn't know what to do with. So I managed to lure him out with a rock a friend of mine had given me to give him, and he came to school nicely at that point. He had an okay afternoon, although he did call one of his friends a "stupid baby" and was whacking someone with a chip bag (obnoxiously, vs trying to hurt them). The biggest concern came at the end of the day. Apparently, when his teacher started bringing out the agendas, which signals that it's time to get ready to go, Dylan got very sad and quiet. Apparently he told his teacher that his Dad was coming over and he didn't want to go home (which is extremely uncharacteristic of him!). He then hid in the hallway, and his teacher was panicked because she had no idea where he'd gone. They paged him over the PA system, and eventually (I'm not sure how), they figured out he was hiding between the piano and a cabinet just outside the classroom.

During our meeting with the teacher, Dylan and I, he was very distracted, didn't make eye contact for the most part, and just fooled around. But we think he's clear on the new system for check marks (4/day for keeping hands to self and saying kind things; 1 check mark for each quarter of the day is able to do this), warnings, and so forth. On the way to the car, he told me how excited he was because his Dad was coming, and seemed eager to get to the car. I have only a few ideas on how to explain this discrepancy. One, he was not being honest with the teacher, or he wasn't being honest with me. Two, he was feeling both excited to see his Dad, but maybe scared to see whether or not his Dad was still going to be seeming better or whether he'd be feeling "sick" again. Or three, maybe he has a lot of anxiety or anger towards his Dad that hit him in the moment, but which is too painful for him to acknowledge for long, so he repressed it again. Beyond those possibilities, I'm stumped. I'm hoping for #2 because I'd like to think that with a little bit of time we can reassure him that his Dad is okay. I don't want to think he's manipulating his teacher that way, or that he would feel like he'd have to lie to me if he did have negative feelings around his Dad visiting. Nor do I want to think that what he's feeling is so painful that he'd have to deny it to himself most of the time.

Regardless, he had to write out "I will be kind and gentle to people" five times, as a consequence, in addition to losing TV, for hurting Cehl (our caregiver/adopted family member). Then it was a nice night. He played with me and his Dad, and then with us and his sister, making for lots of fun for the rest of the evening. He's coming into my room for a sleepover when I go up to bed, which I know he loves (and his sister is still in my room in her crib, so it's kind of a family sleepover sans Daddy, I guess). His Dad actually isn't feeling great - still some agitation and anxiety and a sense of being down, so he went home to sleep but will be back in the morning before the kids wake up, so hopefully they won't know that he didn't spend the night. Jerry did agree to go back on his respiridone, just a small dose, until he has a chance to see his doctor on Friday. That will hopefully "take the edge off" so to speak, and help him cope with his placement and family obligations a little more easily until then. He's been on it a bunch of times, so I am mostly comfortable with him putting himself back on it without talking to the doctor first. Hopefully he'll find it has a positive effect on his mood! Dylan really, really needs him to be at his best ASAP!!!

Oh, and Dylan's teacher said that while she hadn't had the idea in her mind last week, given how well Dylan had been doing for the previous 3-4 weeks, after this week she decide to send a letter requesting that Dylan be discussed at Team (when various teachers, the VP, and sometimes a social worker or psychologist get together to discuss students who are having some type of difficulty). She said her biggest concerns were: the stuff he's been dealing with at home, the emergence of two new behaviours this week that worried her - denying things he's done and being defiant. I think she jumped the gun a bit, since it was after only 3 days of disruptive behaviour after a few weeks of fairly good behaviour.

That said, if he continues to act out at home and/or at school then at some point something more needs to be done to help him feel better. If he can keep it together at school and only has occasional outbursts at home, then I am not going to consent. However, if he continues to have difficulty at school or the behaviour at home continues to be more frequent and goes into December, then I may consent and just discuss (in generalities) some of the stuff he's dealing with and how other teachers can respond in a helpful way. I would let them know, as well, that if he continues to struggle past the holidays that I will consider whether he might need to hang out with the social worker or something, for a little extra support.

Wow - I really, really never saw us getting to this kind of a place. Last year was such a great school year for Dylan, that I'm just blown away by the change. Granted, he's had a hell of a lot of difficult changes to deal with, and a lot of stress this summer from his Dad's blow ups and our arguing, but still - he's never struggled this much, and he's dealt with a lot in his life already. I guess his resiliency is wearing a bit thin. I just hope I can figure out what he needs to rebuild it so he's healthy and strong again. Of course, I also have to manage to keep myself from getting sucked into the "worry vortex," which would be normal for most people in these circumstances, but even more easy for me to fall into, given that I technically have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Minor detail, lol. Oh well - I've gotten a lot better, trying to be aware of my thoughts, trying to keep myself in the present and being aware of the patterns associated with GAD thinking. A mindful/spiritual/psychological approach, if you will. I guess I'm doing okay, because I've not done anything self-destructive, nor have I fallen into a puddle of panic or anything. Still, I need to do some more deep breathing, positive self-talk and grounding myself, because it is definitely gnawing away at me. In fact, I almost didn't do this entry, because just thinking about the situation in detail made me feel nauseous. But that is, of course, precisely why I did it...hiding from it is worse. At least this way I got it all out...not that I anticipate anyone ever reading this, but that's why it's my Proverbial Sounding Board...hm - maybe "brick wall" would have been more appropriate?

One Up, One Down

So Jerry is continuing to do better. His thinking seems to be back to normal, and his mood is improving. The weekend was fairly good - he was feeling a bit down, but was able to recognize it as a "physiological down" as opposed to a "because of _________ I feel bad." He also noted that he realized it had been a long time since he'd been able to identify that he moods were coming from a place within, as opposed to being caused by someone in the moment. That was very nice to see.

On the other hand, Dylan is suddenly coming home with "medium" and "sad" faces marked in his agenda. He doesn't seem to be able to tell me why, though, which is unusual, and I'm worried that his teacher is marking him more strictly or that he's having a hard time with being mean to other kids again (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to give him a "sad face" for the day, since to me, being kind is more important than sitting still, etc.). So, now I have to meet with his teacher again after school to discuss the situation...again. I am so tired. Tired of worrying, tired of seeing my loved ones struggle, tired of feeling guilty for not being able to give my kids the "intact" family I know they so desperately want. I'm tired of trying to figure out if Dylan is testing his "meanness," or if he has so many angry feelings he doesn't know what to do with them or if he just doesn't realize it's okay to feel mean and that everyone does at time, but that doesn't mean that he's a mean person or that he needs to act them out.

Yes, I am tired. Tired, drained, sad, and feeling somewhat defeated at the moment. I just want everything to be the way it was last year - with my kid going off to school and doing well most of the time, and well within "normal," the kids being used to and happy with (for the most part, anyway), the schedule we had for "family" and "daddy time," not having to worry about Jerry, etc. I even told Dylan "hey, I know you can go to school, be kind to your friends, and keep your body to yourself throughout most of carpet time, because you did all of that last year. So, if you can go back to doing those things, sure I'll get you a Wii with the Wipeout game, okay?" He didn't like that he'd still have to wait until March Break to show me that he was going to do it consistently, but I pointed out that is still a lot less time to wait than 2 years (until he's 8 years old). Bribery...parenting faux pas? I don't really give a &%$# right now.

So, for now all I can do is go in and talk to his teacher and try to convince her to let him chose to sit at his desk if that is the only way he feels like he can keep his body to himself. We'll see - she said no that last time, but maybe now that her friend, who filled in for her for a week, let him do it and found that he made it work, she'll be more receptive to the idea.