For the Record

Well, my writing time is being eaten up by thesis work, and I have taken to recording visit info about Jerry informally in a Word doc, in case I ever need to explain to a therapist or doctor why I feel he is not so "well" as he is likely saying (and believing) he is. But I figured I'd throw them up here, and hopefully one day I will find time to edit them into more readable form. If not, this is evidence that I really do want to be able to make anyone else out there who is going through this feel less alone...even at the risk of exposing my "unedited" life (I apologize - there seem to be 3 line gaps in place of 1-line paragraph spacing, and there may be incomplete sentences throughout)...so, here's a glimpse at our last few visits:
 

Family Day, 2012

-went with kids and dog to HP

-kids were running ahead; dog interacting with other dogs...Jerry getting frustrated, unbeknownst to me at the time...mad at them for not staying right with us, and mad at me for not taking after them (I was focussed on keeping the dog out of trouble and figured Jerry would be okay watching the kids, who are usually self-occupied once we’re on the off-leash area – getting there and back is never fun, but usually here they are low-maintenance). For some reason, Jerry got really mad at me and Emily when she rode too far ahead on her bike, and that’s when I realized he wasn’t able to handle it (e.g. RE: not just catching up and turning her back around towards us “you told me not to discipline the kids!” – my thought – turning Emily back in our direction, or even just picking up her up and bringing her back to where we were didn’t strike me as discipline – just keeping her safe). At this point, I came back to “kid mode” and started walking along with Emily, but Jerry started walking off. At some point, just around a bend slightly ahead of me, he and Dylan had an exchange in which Jerry felt Dylan wasn’t listening and told him he needed time to himself. Dylan told me after that he told Jerry that he really wanted to walk with him, and that (as Jerry walked away from him anyway) Jerry was hurting his feelings, but that he didn’t say anything and didn’t stop. To Dylan this translated to “I told him, but he still didn’t care.” He kept saying over and over, while crying hysterically “he just left me; he didn’t care; I told him he was hurting my feelings but he didn’t care.” I tried to comfort him, saying that Jerry just needed to have a little time out because he was frustrated, but for whatever reason, Dylan was processing his own emotional stuff, and was very much overwhelmed with feeling abandoned and uncared for. I watched Jerry continue to walk away despite the hysterical crying, and was at a loss. I finally got them up the hill (off the path) and sat and held Dylan while he cried, trying to make sure he knew I heard his feelings, while also occasionally trying to feel out whether I could try to offer him an alternate way of thinking about it. When Jerry came back, I tried to quickly let him know what Dylan was saying, thinking (apparently foolishly) that if he knew that this was how Dylan was feeling he’d feel some compassion for the kid and put his defences down enough to be able to just hug him and/or reassure him a bit. Instead he became more irate, repeating his own version of what had happened each time I tried to say “but it isn’t about whether he’s right or wrong, he’s having these feelings and he needs to know you care!” He stormed off again. He came back again – Dylan was more distraught having been “left” a second time, and in the condition he was in, no less, and when Jerry finally tried to ask him to come talk to him, Dylan refused. I tried to coax him to go talk to Jerry, in hopes they could figure it out, but he refused. Eventually, he was willing to go have a hug. Despite my asking Jerry to just listen to Dylan’s feelings (even pointing out – hey, he’s 6 – it’s not his job to listen first and be heard second – he needs you to make that leap; once he knows you’ve listened I’m sure he’ll be able to listen to your perspective), in the end, it was Dylan who listened to Jerry’s perspective and was willing to accept it and forgive the situation. I felt sick watching what looked to me like the child doing the parent’s job; still I was relieved that Dylan felt better.

The rest of the day went much better (it helped that the kids were really well behaved and occupied, no doubt), but I don’t think any of the 3 of us (me, Emily, or Dylan) felt entirely settled, either. Like being on edge all of the time.

March 23, 2012

This time it was as simple as Dylan not listening on the way home from getting ice cream. He ran into a store, then his sister ran in too. He rolled his eyes and joked around when Jerry told him not to dance while crossing the street. His agitation was pretty high, where I just told Dylan and Emily that I expected them to be polite and behave nicely and listen to grownups when we go out, and that if they cannot do that, then the next time they won’t be able to come to the ice cream store. Then, Dylan walked home the way he always does – exploring people’s front lawns and hopping over gardens, etc. Since it’s just now starting to be spring, he sometimes needs to be reminded not to step in gardens, because they’re going to be growing now. Jerry reminded him just once, and he listened nicely, but Jerry was very agitated about the fact that I let him hop around on people’s lawns, etc. This has been an issue since Dylan was just 1, and my motto has always been that as long as they are respectful (i.e. not going on front porches/stairs, not riding bikes on lawns, not stepping in gardens or playing with things that are on the property – i.e. just walking on the lawn, or following garden stones, or hopping over small garden beds), and listen if anyone asks them not to (which, btw, has never happened – so far it’s only led to smiles or getting to know our neighbors), then it’s fine. Despite this, and despite the fact that during periods when he’s been well he has only expressed minor feelings of discomfort (i.e. he’s still not comfortable with it, because it’s not how he grew up and he worries someone will get mad, but he’s not angry or agitated in response), he decided to express his anger about it, telling me how I don’t care about anybody else as long as my kids are happy, that I don’t respect other people’s property, etc. The kids were close enough to hear it, and I told him I didn’t want to discuss it at the moment. He continued to be angry and irritable all the way home, and once home. He seemed mad when I asked him to play a game with Dylan for 5 minutes, because Dylan had been waiting to do so all week (with Jerry), and was upset when I told him that it was already bedtime. I agreed to let him play for 5min if he agreed to sleep in an extra 5 minutes in the morning. Jerry apparently didn’t like this, though he did stay to do so. Then he got frustrated when he couldn’t use “Dylan” as a screen name on the site, and angry when “Dylan Jones” was taken, going on about how there aren’t that many Dylan’s, etc. Dylan looked concerned and anxious, so I said something to the effect of “I’m not sure why Dad is mad about that – I think it’s kind of cool that there’s another Dylan Jones out there. Oh well!” to try to help him relax about it. Jerry acted annoyed about that as well. I finally asked if he wanted me to play instead, since he seemed tired, but Dylan got upset and said he wanted to do it with his dad. Jerry got mad at me because my email has changed and he used the old one to sign up. it worked out anyway, and we made it through a few minutes of play time before Jerry left. i put the kids to bed on my own. He seems so okay, until something frustrating with the kids happens, then he’s reactive, agitated, controlling, sarcastic, defensive...it’s really frustrating to deal with, and hard to shield the kids from all of the time. I had hoped he could do a low-stress overnight getaway soon, but he clearly still isn’t up to more than brief visits.

11:07pm...phone rang. I debated answering, since I knew it must be him (that is very late for me, so nobody else would call that late). I decided to answer so I wouldn’t have to worry all night, as I was very nervous when I left him a message to tell him I didn’t think an overnight at a hotel was a good idea for now. His first words: are you kidding me? you’re going to be like that?

I told him I had explained in my message that I didn’t want tension to escalate, given that there is already enough after short visits. He said it wasn’t the kids he was mad at, it was me, because I didn’t help him when he asked (RE: Dylan danced in the street). I pointed out he never asked me to help, he only made a sarcastic comment to me “aren’t you going to say something to him?” to which I had replied, no it sounded like you handled the situation already. He said that Dylan hadn’t responded, so I went ahead and asked Dylan what Jerry had said – he shrugged, so I rpt’d...he rolled his eyes, so I explained that it was rude to do that when a grown up speaks to you, and then I moved on from the situation. Jerry was unable to see, on the phone, that everything had made him frustrated and angry (like password names being taken), and that his reactivity is somewhat consistent in any situations that most would find mildly irritating (if at all; eg passwords), and that the fact that it is often me or the kids that he finds irritating and therefore reacts so strongly to, is not surprising – the kids can be annoying, they’re kids; I do have ways that I handle certain things, which he may or may not agree with, but I still have to live my life – I can’t call him to make sure he agrees with every stance I take on every situation that arises with the kids.

Anyway...tired, late, bed. I’m just hoping he doesn’t call again, because he hung up on me (which is also predictable since his meds situation changed).

Next morning (Mar 24)

Called, started getting into issues. I told him that the kids were in the room with me and I couldn’t talk...he kept going. So I told him it’s hard for me to relax after exchanges like this and that I didn’t want to be grumpy or uptight with the kids, since it’s a weekend and I’m with them all day. He said “it’s hard for me too – how do you think i feel?” completely missing the point that I am not worried about the stress persay, i’m worried about the impact it has on my parenting. he kept talking and telling me how unfair i was being, etc. and how it wasn’t the kids he had been mad at yesterday, it was me, etc., and i finally said that i was sorry but that i couldn’t have this conversation and i was going to hang up now. he called back at least a dozen times – the kids, thank goodness, did not ask why i was ignoring the phone.

eventually i picked it up in the bedroom, away from the kids. again i tried to explain that i couldn’t do this now (the previous evening i didn’t want to, but i didn’t end the conversation – he hung up on me, thus i couldn’t understand why he kept saying ‘but you wouldn’t do it last night either’). when Dylan came in at one point and started talking to me, i said ‘hold on, Dylan is talking to me’ but he kept on talking – Dylan could hear his voice (though not his words) even though i held it into my body to hear Dylan and keep him from hearing his dad. with all of his repeat calling i was scared, shaky, nervous and uptight. i told Jerry that when he does this kind of thing i feel scared, but he said, once again, something about how he feels like his opions don’t matter when i won’t talk to him. i asked him to please stop calling, and that i had to go. once i hung up he called back a few more times, and left an nasty message about how hanging up on someone is not a way to win an argument (again, i told him i needed to hang up – several times, so it’s not “hanging up on” him; also, i wasn’t trying to win anything – i was trying to take care of myself so that i could be a good parent to the kids, and to make sure that they didn’t have to be exposed to anxious, upset tones related to a call with their dad.).

in a bit of a déjà vu experience i rushed to get the kids dressed and out the door for our visit to gran’s because i was terrified he was going to come over and insist on a conversation...it didn’t seem like a likely event, but the mere thought that there was any possibility he would really made me feel upset, scared and uptight. this “medicated mania” is hard to predict, and i can never quite keep up with where he’s at, what he might do or say, how he will react, etc. oddly, it was easier to predict before meds – but the outcomes were far worse, so this is still better. i just wish he’d stop being so reactive so the kids could see him more. i noticed looks of worry and anxiety in Dylan the last few times he’s even started to seem at all reactive towards anything. i hate that for him.

ok. that should cover the basics. no word from him since.

p.s. if he was thinking straight, he would have thought about the fact that my answering machine records messages out loud – thank god i turned the volume down in anticipation of him possibly leaving a nasty message.

April 5, 2012

Called Jerry to forewarn him that I was not going to book any camping trips for us in advance, because given how things are going with 1-2 hour visits, I did not feel comfortable with the idea of trying to make a camping trip work, given the potential (or damn likely...didn’t say that) consequences for the kids (i.e. having their dad over-react to their behavior, having that become a “thing” in which I then have to try to buffer for them, which then puts his attention on me, turning into a fight between us instead, which is probably only a tiny bit better, if at all, than having it directed and them and their behavior). He took it poorly, and alternated between saying that he was fine, everything with him was fine, and that I’m arbitrarily making decisions like this despite this fact; and saying that it is very hard for him, and that he’s doing everything he can to make sure that he doesn’t lose it on the kids when he is feeling reactive, e.g. by leaving when he’s losing it on the inside, to prevent himself from losing it on the outside. When I tried to point out that while it is good that he leaves when he needs to (a) the fact that his physiological reactions are so swift and strong is, in itself, indicative that his chemistry is not well-balanced, as it had been for that almost 2 year period, and (b) still has a big impact on the kids, who are left feeling like something they did made their dad leave (again). He took this to mean that I was blaming him and judging him no matter what he did (stay and lose it; leave to prevent leaving it), and couldn’t hear the part about how, even though walking away is a better choice, it still smarts for the kid who triggered it.

Finally, at some point in the conversation, Jerry started asking me again about “where things stand” and this time I finally told him that I really couldn’t continue to do this anymore; that things weren’t getting better, and that since he and his doctor have no plans to try to change anything in terms of medication because he’s just started a new job, there didn’t seem to be any reason to think that his level of stability would be changing at any point in the reasonably-near future. Again, he went back to how he’s fine now, and essentially that his starting a new job proves that (apparently he forgets that he worked, fairly successfully, until he was hospitalized during 2 of his most severe early manias; work is always that last to go, and he can be entirely unstable at home and still stable enough to work – which may be where his current meds will hold him – ok enough to work, but not enough to cope with children or with me).

Throughout this conversation, I should also mention that Jerry kept saying that he was at work and had things he had to do, but each time I said “ok, that’s fine – go do your work” he would start talking again. Even when he finally did hang up, he just called back a few minutes later, after apparently asking a co-worker if he could take a break. His phone connection was bad, and finally after I was not able to hear him for the second or third time, he hung up and went back to work. I was tired, and went to bed.

April 6, 2012

Jerry called. Once again I told him right away that I was with the kids and couldn’t talk. Once again, he refused to end the conversation, stating that it hadn’t mattered to me when he was at work (though I had kept telling him to please, by all means, get back to work – I don’t enjoy these hour-long conversations at all!), and therefore I had no right not to have this conversation now. The fact that the children had a right not to be exposed to it did not seem to matter. At one point he said “just go outside and close the door” at which time I had to remind him that I was in the middle of cutting up food, covered in sticky, etc. He just kept talking; I tried hard to minimize my responses, and when I noticed he was forcing me to say something, and that it was coming out stressed and becoming more difficult to codify so that kids wouldn’t get the gist of the conversation, I washed up and went outside. At that point I reminded him that I was alone with the kids all day and that it is much more difficult to be a great parent when I am sapped by a conversation like this one (i.e. one that goes in circles, with him doing 98% of the talking). He said a bunch of things about how it’s stressful for him – to talk, to not be able to talk, etc., again going around in circles.

Eventually we ended up back in the same conversation as always – why am I doing this? he’s fine; I’m wrong; he’s doing everything he can to not blow up around the kids; back to he’s fine...he couldn’t see the discrepancies in what he was saying – and if I pointed it out (if you were fine, it wouldn’t be such an ordeal to cope with a 1-2 hour visit – it shouldn’t be that hard, if you are stabilized on these meds), but then he would just resort to “it’s you – you’re stressing me out because I feel like I have to be perfect.” I tried to reiterate that my criteria for a visit to count as “good” in my books is that he hasn’t overreacted to the kids (personally, I think that’s a pretty basic standard). Similarly, he would first complain that he’s fine and can’t understand why I’m “not letting him” spend more time with the kids; then he would talk about why he walked out on this visit or that visit, so that he wouldn’t lose his cool with them (or if it got to that point because I had tried to buffer for them, on me). When I tried to point out that it wouldn’t make sense to make visits longer when he hasn’t been able to consistently get through the 1-2hours in the last 7 months, he would go back to saying that it was because I was stressing him out or just change topics.

Again he told me that he was confused and didn’t understand where he stood. I thought I’d made it clear, but this time I was more direct and said that for me, it (our relationship) was over. He said all sorts of things about how I had been lying to him, etc., and when I tried to tell him that I have been saying the exact same thing for months, and that it was essentially still true, he couldn’t hear it...I told him again: unless your doctor is able to get you back to the level of stability you had achieved for the 2 years you were on lithium, but on meds you can stay on forever (vs. lithium or something else that he would need to get switched off of in a year or two or three, potentially leading us right back to where we are again), I can’t do this. Since I don’t see any sign or hope of this happening in the reasonably foreseeable future (since they have no current intentions of changing anything due to his job), and because even once they undertake to try something new there’s no way of knowing how long it will take to find something that will work well enough, I have to stop...I can’t be in this kind of a relationship indefinitely. For me, it is over.

He took this poorly (and I understood). He asked me if there was “someone else;” I assured him there was not (and did not take offence to the question – I was very nice about it). My phone eventually beeped; I warned him my phone was about to die; it died a few moments later. He called back on the cell. Within a few minutes my cell started to die. I started to tell him “my cell is about to die...” and before I could finish (“I’m going up to plug it in, but I just wanted to warn you in case it dies before I can get it plugged in”) he said “if you don’t want to talk to me just say so” (I thought I did – numerous times!) and hung up on me. I left him a message telling him that if he’d let me finish my sentence he would have heard that I planned to plug it in, and that I was going out with the kids for a picnic and wouldn’t have my phone.

Somehow, I managed to take a minute in my room, took several long, deep breaths, and got back to packing the picnic. Within a few minutes of getting to the park with the kids I was able to truly let things go and be “in the now” and give the kids a wonderful day in the park. We spent almost 5 hours at High Park, playing, eating, and the kids had a blast. It was a nice Good Friday for them, which was what I wanted, especially after the terrible Family Day we’d had, when Jerry had stormed off and left Dylan distraught.

A few minutes after putting the kids down Jerry called again. Right back into the same conversation. He said he didn’t understand “where things stood” and I tried to clarify (again) for him. But he kept turning the conversation. Sara had to overhear a couple of minutes of it on either end, because he called on my cell when my phone line was busy (!?!). I let her go because he wouldn’t answer my one question: will you be able to come for an hour or two on Sunday, to see the kids for Easter (he’d already said he couldn’t come up tomorrow, after all, because of what is “going on”). He wouldn’t answer the question, and after many more minutes of terrible conversation (mostly one-sided, and quite paranoid – e.g. when he said he wanted to make it official and do the paperwork for a divorce, if this is what I wanted (for it to be over), I said that the paperwork did not mean anything to me, but that if he wanted me to sign divorce papers asap, I would; his response: you’re not going to put this on me!! We went through this loop of the circular conversation several times before I could finally get him to explain what he meant by this...he said “you just want to put it on me so that you can run around and tell everyone that I divorced you.” I tried to reason with him, pointing out that that would require me to blatantly lie, and that I’ve never, ever done anything even remotely like that before, so I wasn’t about to start now...but he couldn’t hear any of it. He kept going on and on about all of these same things. Finally, I said for the umpteenth time that I would sign the papers asap if that was what he wanted, but that I would appreciate it if he could put me on his new insurance when he got it, and hold off if necessary, until I got my school insurance (in Sept), so I wouldn’t have to add yet another $160/month to my already very high bills from taking care of the kids, financially. He said something about not helping me commit fraud – to which I very quickly pointed out was not my intention; for so long as we are separated he can put me on, and I have no idea whether or not he can keep me on as long as I don’t remarry, but that I wanted to at least be on for now, when we know for sure it’s ok. He said he can’t keep me on if we divorce, and that he knows this because “I’ve had jobs my whole life” (zing on me). I pointed out that we know what we need to know and he’d have had no reason to look into that, and he didn’t deny it. Sara called back (as I’d requested, to prevent another hour or more of this conversation, and because we’d been talking), and I asked him, yet again, to please just let me know about Sunday. He then finally gave me a non-answer, stating that he wouldn’t come if we didn’t sit down and talk this out first. I told him I didn’t appreciate feeling like I was being blackmailed into having a sit-down conversation with him to avoid my kids being disappointed about not seeing their dad this weekend, especially since it is Easter weekend. He said that wasn’t what he was doing, but that we had to talk about it. I said I would be willing to have another session with Claire (several times in the midst of our last few conversations, he’d said that I was refusing to have another session with Claire – despite my having offered a couple of weeks ago – so I figured he would be glad about that), he said that “we don’t need her and we don’t need to be wasting any more money on her”). 3 or 4 more times I repeated “can you please just tell me whether you can come to see the kids on Sunday [for an hour or two, sometimes inserted].” He refused to answer each time, kept trying to keep talking about other things or making sarcastic comments, before finally saying “have a nice life” and hanging up on me. Sara said she felt exhausted just from the minute she had to listen to the conversation. At least the kids were in bed this time (and with the sound machine, no less).

Once again, I am scared to answer my own phone in case it is him...and scared to end a conversation with him in case he won’t take no for an answer and keeps calling back. At this point, I just hope that he can get it together long enough to come and focus on the kids and their Easter for just an hour or two, to make them happy. I am not at all sure that will happen. If he does tell me he’s coming, my contingency plan is this: have an easter egg hunt ready to go, so that the focus should be on the kids and helping them with clues, etc. – keeps them busy, and keeps him focussed on them (I hope/think).