So the discussion with Dylan's teacher went well. My fears were unfounded, in fact just the opposite problem was true - turns out, she's been cutting him too much slack, because she knows he's got so much going on at home lately. So, we had to come up with some firm boundaries for Dylan in the classroom, to put an end to his classroom antics, which include things like going under desks, leaning back on people and playing his own game of duck-duck-goose during carpet time. I basically suggested that she keep her empathy, but firm up the boundaries at the same time, because clearly he can't be acting so wacky in the middle of instruction, and he knows that. So, he gets a warning for really disruptive behavior, and if he doesn't stop he goes to a "quiet spot," then if he still doesn't settle down he gets one more warning before having to go to the office to do some independent work. Today, he didn't pull those antics. She also agreed to let him choose to sit at his desk during carpet time, if he feels like he can't keep his body to himself. He seems to use that well - he left a few times today, sat quietly at his desk, and then returned. Next the trick will be to figure out when he's sorted through whatever is bothering him and is ready to be challenged to stay with the group more. For now, however, he clearly has a lot gnawing away at him, as he's acting out all over the place.
Which brings us to lunch. I got a call from his caregiver saying he was trying to hurt her (trying to bite her at one point, then tossing toys out of a tree house at her), and refusing to go to school. By the time I got to the friends' house, school was already in and he was in the massive tree house structure, and refusing to come out. He makes it seem like a game, but I know (thanks to the seminar yesterday) that it's probably just another way to avoid the feelings he has and doesn't like and doesn't know what to do with. So I managed to lure him out with a rock a friend of mine had given me to give him, and he came to school nicely at that point. He had an okay afternoon, although he did call one of his friends a "stupid baby" and was whacking someone with a chip bag (obnoxiously, vs trying to hurt them). The biggest concern came at the end of the day. Apparently, when his teacher started bringing out the agendas, which signals that it's time to get ready to go, Dylan got very sad and quiet. Apparently he told his teacher that his Dad was coming over and he didn't want to go home (which is extremely uncharacteristic of him!). He then hid in the hallway, and his teacher was panicked because she had no idea where he'd gone. They paged him over the PA system, and eventually (I'm not sure how), they figured out he was hiding between the piano and a cabinet just outside the classroom.
During our meeting with the teacher, Dylan and I, he was very distracted, didn't make eye contact for the most part, and just fooled around. But we think he's clear on the new system for check marks (4/day for keeping hands to self and saying kind things; 1 check mark for each quarter of the day is able to do this), warnings, and so forth. On the way to the car, he told me how excited he was because his Dad was coming, and seemed eager to get to the car. I have only a few ideas on how to explain this discrepancy. One, he was not being honest with the teacher, or he wasn't being honest with me. Two, he was feeling both excited to see his Dad, but maybe scared to see whether or not his Dad was still going to be seeming better or whether he'd be feeling "sick" again. Or three, maybe he has a lot of anxiety or anger towards his Dad that hit him in the moment, but which is too painful for him to acknowledge for long, so he repressed it again. Beyond those possibilities, I'm stumped. I'm hoping for #2 because I'd like to think that with a little bit of time we can reassure him that his Dad is okay. I don't want to think he's manipulating his teacher that way, or that he would feel like he'd have to lie to me if he did have negative feelings around his Dad visiting. Nor do I want to think that what he's feeling is so painful that he'd have to deny it to himself most of the time.
Regardless, he had to write out "I will be kind and gentle to people" five times, as a consequence, in addition to losing TV, for hurting Cehl (our caregiver/adopted family member). Then it was a nice night. He played with me and his Dad, and then with us and his sister, making for lots of fun for the rest of the evening. He's coming into my room for a sleepover when I go up to bed, which I know he loves (and his sister is still in my room in her crib, so it's kind of a family sleepover sans Daddy, I guess). His Dad actually isn't feeling great - still some agitation and anxiety and a sense of being down, so he went home to sleep but will be back in the morning before the kids wake up, so hopefully they won't know that he didn't spend the night. Jerry did agree to go back on his respiridone, just a small dose, until he has a chance to see his doctor on Friday. That will hopefully "take the edge off" so to speak, and help him cope with his placement and family obligations a little more easily until then. He's been on it a bunch of times, so I am mostly comfortable with him putting himself back on it without talking to the doctor first. Hopefully he'll find it has a positive effect on his mood! Dylan really, really needs him to be at his best ASAP!!!
Oh, and Dylan's teacher said that while she hadn't had the idea in her mind last week, given how well Dylan had been doing for the previous 3-4 weeks, after this week she decide to send a letter requesting that Dylan be discussed at Team (when various teachers, the VP, and sometimes a social worker or psychologist get together to discuss students who are having some type of difficulty). She said her biggest concerns were: the stuff he's been dealing with at home, the emergence of two new behaviours this week that worried her - denying things he's done and being defiant. I think she jumped the gun a bit, since it was after only 3 days of disruptive behaviour after a few weeks of fairly good behaviour.
That said, if he continues to act out at home and/or at school then at some point something more needs to be done to help him feel better. If he can keep it together at school and only has occasional outbursts at home, then I am not going to consent. However, if he continues to have difficulty at school or the behaviour at home continues to be more frequent and goes into December, then I may consent and just discuss (in generalities) some of the stuff he's dealing with and how other teachers can respond in a helpful way. I would let them know, as well, that if he continues to struggle past the holidays that I will consider whether he might need to hang out with the social worker or something, for a little extra support.
Wow - I really, really never saw us getting to this kind of a place. Last year was such a great school year for Dylan, that I'm just blown away by the change. Granted, he's had a hell of a lot of difficult changes to deal with, and a lot of stress this summer from his Dad's blow ups and our arguing, but still - he's never struggled this much, and he's dealt with a lot in his life already. I guess his resiliency is wearing a bit thin. I just hope I can figure out what he needs to rebuild it so he's healthy and strong again. Of course, I also have to manage to keep myself from getting sucked into the "worry vortex," which would be normal for most people in these circumstances, but even more easy for me to fall into, given that I technically have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Minor detail, lol. Oh well - I've gotten a lot better, trying to be aware of my thoughts, trying to keep myself in the present and being aware of the patterns associated with GAD thinking. A mindful/spiritual/psychological approach, if you will. I guess I'm doing okay, because I've not done anything self-destructive, nor have I fallen into a puddle of panic or anything. Still, I need to do some more deep breathing, positive self-talk and grounding myself, because it is definitely gnawing away at me. In fact, I almost didn't do this entry, because just thinking about the situation in detail made me feel nauseous. But that is, of course, precisely why I did it...hiding from it is worse. At least this way I got it all out...not that I anticipate anyone ever reading this, but that's why it's my Proverbial Sounding Board...hm - maybe "brick wall" would have been more appropriate?
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