One Up, One Down

So Jerry is continuing to do better. His thinking seems to be back to normal, and his mood is improving. The weekend was fairly good - he was feeling a bit down, but was able to recognize it as a "physiological down" as opposed to a "because of _________ I feel bad." He also noted that he realized it had been a long time since he'd been able to identify that he moods were coming from a place within, as opposed to being caused by someone in the moment. That was very nice to see.

On the other hand, Dylan is suddenly coming home with "medium" and "sad" faces marked in his agenda. He doesn't seem to be able to tell me why, though, which is unusual, and I'm worried that his teacher is marking him more strictly or that he's having a hard time with being mean to other kids again (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to give him a "sad face" for the day, since to me, being kind is more important than sitting still, etc.). So, now I have to meet with his teacher again after school to discuss the situation...again. I am so tired. Tired of worrying, tired of seeing my loved ones struggle, tired of feeling guilty for not being able to give my kids the "intact" family I know they so desperately want. I'm tired of trying to figure out if Dylan is testing his "meanness," or if he has so many angry feelings he doesn't know what to do with them or if he just doesn't realize it's okay to feel mean and that everyone does at time, but that doesn't mean that he's a mean person or that he needs to act them out.

Yes, I am tired. Tired, drained, sad, and feeling somewhat defeated at the moment. I just want everything to be the way it was last year - with my kid going off to school and doing well most of the time, and well within "normal," the kids being used to and happy with (for the most part, anyway), the schedule we had for "family" and "daddy time," not having to worry about Jerry, etc. I even told Dylan "hey, I know you can go to school, be kind to your friends, and keep your body to yourself throughout most of carpet time, because you did all of that last year. So, if you can go back to doing those things, sure I'll get you a Wii with the Wipeout game, okay?" He didn't like that he'd still have to wait until March Break to show me that he was going to do it consistently, but I pointed out that is still a lot less time to wait than 2 years (until he's 8 years old). Bribery...parenting faux pas? I don't really give a &%$# right now.

So, for now all I can do is go in and talk to his teacher and try to convince her to let him chose to sit at his desk if that is the only way he feels like he can keep his body to himself. We'll see - she said no that last time, but maybe now that her friend, who filled in for her for a week, let him do it and found that he made it work, she'll be more receptive to the idea.