Jerry has seen the kids 3 times in the last 8 months. He has called only a few times. The kids haven't heard from him in over a month. I am fucking ANGRY. I expected that unmedicated and on drugs he would be a shitty father, but this level of abandonment was really not expected on any level. I feel like he has completely and utterly abandoned them. I have struggled with feeling torn about what is in their best interests, and ours as a family, since when Jerry was in contact with me from June to August it was so stressful - full of threats (to take me to court to gain unsupervised access), breaking commitments to see them, and sabotaging every opportunity to visit them that he was offered. Each email sent me into a tailspin - most of them made no sense, were full of unfounded accusations, and were threatening or just full of lies (or delusions - it's very often hard to distinguish when he's unwell). The kids were doing really well with the complete lack of contact between him and them in those months (his contact was limited to harassing me via email, once I told him I could no longer speak to him on the phone, because it was too insane, and at the very least email gave me something concrete to hold onto, and something that I could run by others and get feedback on).
However, after seeing him for their birthdays in October, Dylan in particular, started struggling. In the two weeks following the first visit he started stealing little things from kids at school. That finally stopped for a while, and then restarted for a short time a little while after the second visit. It took me a while to see it clearly, but his mood also changed. He has been more reactive to little things, less compliant and more likely to whine, cry or yell when asked to do something he doesn't want to do. I found out recently that while things have been going great with him in the classroom, recess and lunch breaks have been more of a problem. He has joined a friend in bullying his other "best friend," saying mean things to him, occasionally shoving him, excluding the boy from playing with him and the other friend, and so forth. He felt really badly about it when I told him that his other best friend's mom had called the school, and that this friend had been very upset about how Dylan had been treating him and the things the two boys had done to him.
The same week I found out he's been rough with another boy he doesn't really know well. They said that this boy had been "covered in bruises" and that he said it was from Dylan. Now, this seems bizarre to me, since Dylan is not at all strong, big or heavy and has never bruised anyone in his life, but one thing does seem certain - he's been rough, and this is so not like him and not okay with me. Again, he felt terrible when he found out that he'd hurt this boy and that this boy was afraid of him. He decided on his own that he would try to play less with this friend of his who has become really aggressive this year. This is a friend he's had since JK and who he keeps saying he wants to be like, so it's awesome that he came to this decision by himself. He is trying to spend more time with the other best friend, be nicer to him, and to be nicer to the other boy he had scared. This is all good - and so far seems to be going pretty well.
I also spoke to the playground monitor that he's been having a hard time with. She said Dylan is picking the wrong kids to try to play with at lunch time, and that he is being targeted by the other kids, who are tattling on him to try to get him in trouble, because he now has a reputation for being in trouble. She has struggled with how to handle it, because while she knows this, and sees that he is probably being blamed for things he doesn't do as well as some he does, she feels obligated to discipline him if she is told that he's done something. We had a great talk, and I even lent her the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk," since it provides alternatives to punishment in dealing with kids' behavior, and she seems very open-minded to trying new things in this context. I now drop by at lunch time to see how things are going for him and to keep an eye out for him, although I will soon have to start my data analysis for my dissertation and will not be able to do this once I begin.
The principal suggested having Dylan discussed at team, which I immediately rejected, since she was basing the suggestion on two phone calls in one week, after a year of not having any significant problems (i.e. office visits, phone calls from parents or anything else "serious"). However, what it comes down to is that he seems to be having much more intense reactions to little things, suggesting that almost certainly he is having feelings about his Dad (and missing his cousins, he has also told me), and that he is struggling to cope with them. They therefore spill out into his everyday interactions, as magnified responses to minor issues. This coupled with not-at-all-stellar impulse control, courtesy of genetics, makes for the increased likelyhood of acting out in ways that he wouldn't if he weren't dealing with so much shit - like the fact that the father he loves and adores and idealizes is fucking GONE. Crappy hand.
And worse yet, once I sense that he's struggling, I crumble - at least temporarily. As soon as these two phone calls came in, I panicked. I hate it when my kids aren't okay...I realized last night that this makes perfect sense - I have no social life (I'm either busy or damn tired, and always feel stressed at the idea of doing anything, let alone paying for babysitting so I can do something without the kids), no romantic life, an AWOL ex-husband (otherwise a harassing, threatening, delusional one), and am doing a degree that feels like an exercise in torture when all I'd really like to do is actually be DOING the work I want to do (albeit not full time because my kids need me too much - they hate it when I have school and can't take them for lunch and have to send Ellie to "daycare"). This does NOT leave me space for joy in my life, outside of my children. So, when the children struggle, I fall apart (again, usually only temporarily, but emotionally it's still brutal in the short term) - if they aren't okay, then they go from being the joy to being my primary source of stress, because then I have to figure out how to get them back on their feet, and worry tremendously about them.
So, I have had a few revelations in the last 24 hours, after a week or so of feeling very dark and bleak. First, I am shocked at the anger towards Jerry that has come up for me. It's been there, but I've kept it at bay by distancing myself as much as possible from him, or any thoughts of him, outside of logistics of arranging the birthday and Christmas visits, and trying to help the kids acknowledge whatever feelings they may be having about missing him. Seeing that my son is struggling, however, has unleashed an immense well of anger - rage, even - at the fact that he has just abandoned them. I think things like: "what the fuck are you doing!?! You're out there in hicksville with your shitty family who has done NOTHING to support you your whole life, who didn't even show up when you were hospitalized like 5 times, except the one time it looked like you might fucking die. How are you spending your days? What are you doing all of those hours that you aren't calling your kids (or Skyping them like you have promised them several times that you will)? Are you just fucking slutty girls and getting stoned all day? Do you think about them? Do you care that you've just abandoned them? Do you give a rat's ass about their feelings and interpretations of your not being in their lives anymore? Do you even wonder how they are doing at school? What they are into these days? Who their friends are? ANYTHING!?!?!?!?! HELLO, ARE YOU OUT THERE?
Of course, the intensity of my reaction, coupled with the thought that it may not be "normal" for me to already be worried about the prospect of him knocking someone else up, accidentally or on purpose, and actually putting in some effort to trying to parent another child or children, and having to explain to my kids why he's being a Dad to his "other kids" and not to them, has led me to wonder if any of my reaction is unresolved issues of my own that I didn't think I had. My Dad had a kid with my step monster when I was 13 years-old. I LOVED babies, so I was actually thrilled at first, but then they went and moved to Florida about a year later, taking my half-sister with them (obviously). They made a whole new life there, and they were their own little family, and I felt like the never-good-enough daughter they never really wanted, but fought for because I (and my sister) were all they had until baby came along. I do find it nauseating that my Dad tortured my Mom and my sister and I for over 4 years, dragging us through a very long, very ugly custody battle, only to just flee the moment he had a new baby. It's a sickening example of how men do indeed use their kids to torture the women who left them. Not that all men do this, or that women never do this - that's not what I am saying at all. However, I know more examples of this situation than the others, and it seems much more common, and it does make me fucking sick.
Another revelation is that I need to do something about my life. I need to be more okay in and of myself, if only so that I can be a better mother - e.g. less likely to feel like life is nothing but shit if my kids aren't okay. I need to still have joy when they are struggling, so that they can sense on every level that I am okay, and therefore feel that I can get them through this. I like to think that most of the time I can fake this well enough, but I know there are days here and there where I am grumpy, impatient, and negative with them when they are acting up all over the place, which is exactly when I want to be at my best. Perhaps this is not entirely realistic, but I do think that it is realistic to expect me to be a happy, healthy human being outside of just being a mother, and I really need to work on this. So, I have this hazy list developing in the back of my head, of some things that I should strive towards making happen to help us all feel stronger, happier and to help us all heal from what is really a difficult situation we are in (i.e. having a family member with Bipolar Disorder, and who is no longer stabilized):
1. I need to build a stronger social network, that includes not just support, but FUN. Euchre? Movies? More coffee? Dinner!?! (rarely do that)
2. Kids, especially Dylan at this time, need someone to talk to - some extra support to help him/them process what they have been through, and how they feel about how it is now, without Dad around.
3. I could probably also benefit from talking to someone, and getting some extra support. Perhaps reconnect with my Sedona Method therapist? and/or a "regular" talk-therapy therapist?
4. I want to talk to the medium (or something to that effect) who my Mom recently spoke to a couple of times, who actually nailed a bunch of stuff and gave me a strong sense of credibility (unlike previous people, who were either novice or not good or not true). I really want to know - WTF is up with my life!?! Why does my life feel so blocked? Why can't I sense my purpose? Why do my children have Jerry for a father - why did they choose him!?! Is he a key person in their spiritual path, and if so, what are they seeking to learn from their experience with him in this lifetime? If not (and even if so), what do they need from me as their mother in this life? How do I help them be healthy, happy, actualized human beings in this life? Oh yeah, and who was my grandmother to Emily? What was their connection? Just curious.
5. I need to make sure we are ALL getting enough healthy food (especially protein), sleep and exercise (okay, the kids mostly do, so it's really just me who needs to keep after myself more!)
6. Find more support in my quest to integrate mindfulness into my own life, and that of my children.
7. The Universe really needs to take care of all of this dissertation/internship stuff, because I'm running on empty right now, and I can't see how to get it done in a timely fashion without overloading myself to the point of giving up entirely.
8. The kids and I need to have more fun together, which of course, requires that we all start to heal? Or perhaps we need to find an outlet as a family to do some healing BY experiencing more joy together.
9. I have and will continue to recommit to watching that my negativity doesn't spill out into my interactions with the kids, especially when they are being extra challenging because of their own struggles. I am re-reading "How To Talk...So Kids Will Talk" and will work through it, again, and again if necessary.
10. Puppy needs more joy too - i.e. more walks in the dog park. How in hell this is going to happen is beyond me, but I recall last year that it actually helped me feel better when I got out and was able to enjoy watching him play, while also getting fresh air and exercise myself.
Well, I am exhausted. It doesn't happen often (because I am chronically tired?) but last night I could NOT sleep. I think I got a few restless hours. But I am far to anxious to sleep - too much to do (clinic work, getting in touch with the RDC about getting the last few logistics out of the way so I can actually access this database I need for my dissertation), so I should get some work done...I just hope that my tiredness doesn't mess up my evening with the kids, because last night was AWESOME for all of us, and I want that for them (and me) again. That and having a nice (not to mention) long chat with my Mom last night gave me a real boost out of what felt like way too much darkness over the last several days. I want to keep the momentum going, heading towards more peace, joy, and healing for all of us.
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