One Up, One Down

So Jerry is continuing to do better. His thinking seems to be back to normal, and his mood is improving. The weekend was fairly good - he was feeling a bit down, but was able to recognize it as a "physiological down" as opposed to a "because of _________ I feel bad." He also noted that he realized it had been a long time since he'd been able to identify that he moods were coming from a place within, as opposed to being caused by someone in the moment. That was very nice to see.

On the other hand, Dylan is suddenly coming home with "medium" and "sad" faces marked in his agenda. He doesn't seem to be able to tell me why, though, which is unusual, and I'm worried that his teacher is marking him more strictly or that he's having a hard time with being mean to other kids again (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to give him a "sad face" for the day, since to me, being kind is more important than sitting still, etc.). So, now I have to meet with his teacher again after school to discuss the situation...again. I am so tired. Tired of worrying, tired of seeing my loved ones struggle, tired of feeling guilty for not being able to give my kids the "intact" family I know they so desperately want. I'm tired of trying to figure out if Dylan is testing his "meanness," or if he has so many angry feelings he doesn't know what to do with them or if he just doesn't realize it's okay to feel mean and that everyone does at time, but that doesn't mean that he's a mean person or that he needs to act them out.

Yes, I am tired. Tired, drained, sad, and feeling somewhat defeated at the moment. I just want everything to be the way it was last year - with my kid going off to school and doing well most of the time, and well within "normal," the kids being used to and happy with (for the most part, anyway), the schedule we had for "family" and "daddy time," not having to worry about Jerry, etc. I even told Dylan "hey, I know you can go to school, be kind to your friends, and keep your body to yourself throughout most of carpet time, because you did all of that last year. So, if you can go back to doing those things, sure I'll get you a Wii with the Wipeout game, okay?" He didn't like that he'd still have to wait until March Break to show me that he was going to do it consistently, but I pointed out that is still a lot less time to wait than 2 years (until he's 8 years old). Bribery...parenting faux pas? I don't really give a &%$# right now.

So, for now all I can do is go in and talk to his teacher and try to convince her to let him chose to sit at his desk if that is the only way he feels like he can keep his body to himself. We'll see - she said no that last time, but maybe now that her friend, who filled in for her for a week, let him do it and found that he made it work, she'll be more receptive to the idea.

Not an Easy Morning...or is it mourning?

So, therapy started off badly (with Jerry providing an account of the weekend that couldn't have been much further from the truth if he tried...although it's probably how he experienced it), but ended on a better note, with him agreeing to try to get an earlier appointment with his doctor to switch back to Lithium. Of course, I haven't heard from him since, so I don't know if he's going to follow through or not. In the meantime, he agreed to spend less time around the kids, and will only be coming for a couple of hours on Friday evening, instead of his usual weekend. I haven't told Dylan this yet, as I don't want him to have to process this and cope with school at the same time.

Which brings us to this morning. I had managed to get Dylan and Emily out the door for school, with a reminder about how if he doesn't come nicely he can't watch TV after school. Then, as he walked down the street looking at Halloween decorations happily, his sister started to cry, saying she missed her Dad. Well, that was that - next thing I know Dylan is having one of his meltdowns that only tend to show up when he's very upset about something and is having trouble expressing those feelings (or even understanding them, for that matter). So he started grabbing the stroller, pushing it, trying to climb in it, etc. So I had to take Emily out and brace myself to wait this out. Then Dylan started running back and forth across the street, tipping over the stroller and trying to wreck it. I finally had to grab him, because I was worried about him getting hurt running in front of a car or something. Then he started trying to hit, kick and bite me, so we had to go into "hold mode" where I hold him in a way that he can't easily hurt me. In the meantime, Emily is crying, and obviously freaked out by her brother's behavior, and I have to keep telling them that it's okay, and telling Dylan "hey, I can handle this; we're going to wait until you show me that you're ready to walk to school nicely."

After what seemed like forever, and several embarrassing moments of neighbors passing by later, he settled down. I acknowledged what I believed he was experiencing and why, and he lay in my arms for a while. He didn't want to go to school, but I did finally manage to convince him to go nicely, and he pushed his sister in her stroller most of the way. I let the teacher know what happened, and left, exhausted, scared and anxious (about whether he'd be okay at school), and sad. I got home, took Emily in to our lovely caregiver/adopted family member, went outside and cried. Hard.

I am so tired, and so sad that they are having such a hard time. I'm kicking myself for spending the whole summer with Jerry, because it seems to have recreated the entire loss for Dylan, and given Emily a sense of loss for the first time. It's so heartbreaking to see my kids so upset about the situation, and knowing that all I can do is try my best to give them all of the love and security I can, to help them through the pain. I do wish that they could just get used to it being this way, and fall back into the routine that they have had in recent years, where they don't see him all of the time. But this year is even less than last year, which is way less, obviously, than this summer, so it's just not that easy, unfortunately. Wow, I really, really hope this passes and that they adjust, because it is really hard to cope with seeing them having such a hard time.

Here's to hoping Jerry gets back on his Lithium - and very soon!!!