One Up, One Down

So Jerry is continuing to do better. His thinking seems to be back to normal, and his mood is improving. The weekend was fairly good - he was feeling a bit down, but was able to recognize it as a "physiological down" as opposed to a "because of _________ I feel bad." He also noted that he realized it had been a long time since he'd been able to identify that he moods were coming from a place within, as opposed to being caused by someone in the moment. That was very nice to see.

On the other hand, Dylan is suddenly coming home with "medium" and "sad" faces marked in his agenda. He doesn't seem to be able to tell me why, though, which is unusual, and I'm worried that his teacher is marking him more strictly or that he's having a hard time with being mean to other kids again (which, in my opinion, is the only good reason to give him a "sad face" for the day, since to me, being kind is more important than sitting still, etc.). So, now I have to meet with his teacher again after school to discuss the situation...again. I am so tired. Tired of worrying, tired of seeing my loved ones struggle, tired of feeling guilty for not being able to give my kids the "intact" family I know they so desperately want. I'm tired of trying to figure out if Dylan is testing his "meanness," or if he has so many angry feelings he doesn't know what to do with them or if he just doesn't realize it's okay to feel mean and that everyone does at time, but that doesn't mean that he's a mean person or that he needs to act them out.

Yes, I am tired. Tired, drained, sad, and feeling somewhat defeated at the moment. I just want everything to be the way it was last year - with my kid going off to school and doing well most of the time, and well within "normal," the kids being used to and happy with (for the most part, anyway), the schedule we had for "family" and "daddy time," not having to worry about Jerry, etc. I even told Dylan "hey, I know you can go to school, be kind to your friends, and keep your body to yourself throughout most of carpet time, because you did all of that last year. So, if you can go back to doing those things, sure I'll get you a Wii with the Wipeout game, okay?" He didn't like that he'd still have to wait until March Break to show me that he was going to do it consistently, but I pointed out that is still a lot less time to wait than 2 years (until he's 8 years old). Bribery...parenting faux pas? I don't really give a &%$# right now.

So, for now all I can do is go in and talk to his teacher and try to convince her to let him chose to sit at his desk if that is the only way he feels like he can keep his body to himself. We'll see - she said no that last time, but maybe now that her friend, who filled in for her for a week, let him do it and found that he made it work, she'll be more receptive to the idea.

Ouch

There's nothing like finding out that your child spent an entire afternoon at school repeatedly declaring that they were sad, refusing to eat their snack or play, and hiding behind the curtains. It's so hard to know that Dylan is having all of these feelings, but may or may not even realize where they are coming from. I have tried to casually let him know that it's okay to feel sad that his dad left suddenly (not to mention that he never came back, missed the family halloween party and wasn't there to celebrate his birthday at his grandparents), and let him know that his dad was very busy, but also really wasn't feeling well. However, Dylan astutely pointed out that his dad was not throwing up, and by his estimation having a bad cough isn't really an adequate explanation for his not being able to be here with him. True enough, but when/how do I explain that there's another type of "not feeling well" that is making it so that his Dad can't be here? I know I gave him this explanation (successfully, given his reaction to it) when he was 3, but then it was blatant and, unfortunately since I didn't protect him well enough at that time, in his face. Now that Jerry has his own apartment, Dylan doesn't have to see it all up close, and it is harder to help him understand that his Dad isn't well right now. Plus, now that he's older I have more anxiety around the impact of Dylan developing an understanding of his Dad's mental illness. There's so much stigma, kids tend to personalize everything, and the last thing I want is for my kids to grown up wondering if they will be like this when they grow up (and they probably won't, since they don't have all of the environmental triggers their Dad had), feeling the sting of the stigma attached to mental illness in the family, etc.

In the meantime, I keep going over all of the negative signs I saw, but couldn't piece together at the time. For instance, this morning I realized that Jerry was starting to become more irritable and more short-tempered before he came off the Lithium, but after they started him on Divalproex. So now, I will reread those side effects and see if that is one of the potential ones in the "normal" people they test this stuff on. Also, his resentment about still being separated really intensified after coming off the Lithium - before it was there, but not nearly as strongly, and more in a regretful vs. a resentful way.

And so it goes. This afternoon we have our appointment with our new therapist. I am terrified about it - if he shows (and if he's feeling more himself, he might because he wants to work on things; if he's still not himself, then he might because he'll probably be paranoid about me being there without him), I am so scared about how he'll be acting towards me, how he'll react towards the suggestion that he shouldn't be around the kids right now, etc. I am scared that he will still be putting off or resisting getting into his doctor to get his meds changed back. I am scared about the reprecussions of saying anything that he takes particularly badly, for whatever reason. I am also nervous about the fact that I'm still not sure that our therapist understands how different his thoughts and feelings are when he's unwell, vs. when he is okay - if she takes what he says too seriously, she's going to get a very wrong idea about our "dynamics" and I worry that that could impact on the success of therapy in the future.

Universe, thank you for helping us along the way, and helping me respond in the most helpful way possible today. Thank you for always helping Jerry end up okay, and may things get resolved for the good of everybody, quickly this time!