I want to just reflect, but it's been so long since I've written that so much has happened. I think I will "nutshell" it for now, and fill in the blanks later. Basically, Jerry has spent less and less time with us over the last several months. I couldn't figure out why his being back on Lithium wasn't more helpful. In June Jerry ended up in the CAMH emergency a couple of times, and on the second occasion he told me that he hadn't been taking his meds properly since at least February, and not at all in the last couple of months. He swore he was not using drugs or alcohol, and that he would get on all of the meds he had been prescribed and never mess with them again. Within a week of that, he was clearly manic again, and treating me very badly.
Then, near the end of June, I believe it was, when his best friend/roommate, Gord, sent me a message asking when I last spoke with Jerry. I said it had been a few weeks, and he sent me his phone number and told me to call him. His news was shocking and not, all at the same time. Jerry had "disappeared" a couple of weeks before, taking his all-important electronics, some clothes, and a few other belongings with him while Gord was out. The landlord showed up on the doorstep not long after, saying that Jerry hadn't paid rent for a couple of months. Gord was taken aback, because he'd been giving Jerry his share of the rent to give to the landlord, but apparently Jerry had not done so. Gord also revealed that Jerry had been smoking pot, very heavily, since Gord had moved in with him back in March or so. I still have no way of knowing for sure how long he had been back on drugs by the time Gord moved in. Either way, since Jerry had also failed to pay child support twice out of the last three months, it was clear that there must have been a lot of drug use going on - Jerry had pocketed at least $2400 in rent money and $1456 in child support in a matter of 3 months - that's a lot of extra cash to account for, and there were no major purchases, such as big screen TVs or other electronics, as there have been at times like this in the past.
So, Gord now had to be out the next day, and he suggested I come check to see if I wanted to take anything that had been left behind, because the landlord was going to be throwing it all out in the morning. It was already evening, so I didn't have time to arrange childcare, and decided to take the kids and make sure that nothing important (like photo albums that may have photos that were lost on my last laptop's hard drive) was left behind. I did not plan to tell the kids that their Dad had disappeared, and figured Gord could watch them in the living room while I checked his room. However, when we got there I saw that Jerry had actually left the place in a terrible state, and I wasn't sure that the kids weren't going to figure out what was going on. It was so bad, they had to stay with me while I tried to casually rummage through the remnants of their Dad's things, finding a few treasures that belonged to Devin that had been abandoned.
Over the next 24 hours I was left with another situation to grapple with: Gord, who historically has been extraordinarily loyal to Jerry, had "broken the code" and contacted "the ex wife" and told me about the things Jerry had been up to as of late. I know this was really the last thing he wanted to do, but he had done it anyway. In his words, it wasn't about Jerry anymore, it was about the kids. He felt that I needed to know what was going on in order to be able to protect the kids, and so he had done what he felt had needed to be done. Now, in my books, this is pretty remarkable, considering how badly he's been treated in some of his female relationships, and the fact that he doesn't have his own kids. It takes a pretty great man, in my opinion, to be able to put kids' needs first, when they've never had their own, and to be willing to approach an ex-wife when women have historically proven themselves very untrustworthy and in some instances, downright mean and dishonest. Now Gord was facing being homeless, because he has had some issues with depression and alcoholism that have made it so that he has not been able to work for a while. So for now he has been receiving social assistance, and since he'd been giving Jerry his rent money and Jerry had not actually been paying the rent, Gord was being booted from their apartment. He had no place to go. No one who could take him in. It was the streets or a hostel.
I just couldn't stand this idea. I was about to go away for about a week and a half, and I kept thinking: how is it okay for Gord to have no place to go, and for my place to be sitting empty for so long, after what he did for my kids? So I called my Mom to double check that I hadn't lost my mind...I wanted to let Gord stay at my place while we were gone. He'd lived with us before, before Jerry had left, and he had proven himself to be trustworthy. My Mom agreed it would be a reasonable thing to offer. I made the suggestion to Gord, who (after freaking out about the offer, because it didn't fit with his schema or women or the world) accepted.
Of course, given the situation in Ontario, it has been impossible for Gord to find a place in a price range he can afford. He's been on "geared-to-income" housing waiting lists for years, but still hasn't gotten an offer. The usual ways of finding rooms or apartments to rent have been frustratingly futile. And so, when we returned, I was faced, once again, with the prospect of watching someone I care about end up homeless. After thinking long and hard, I decided to offer for him to continue to stay, on two conditions: 1. he tell no one (I didn't want to have to worry about dealing with Jerry finding out); 2. he comes after the kids are in bed, and leaves before they get up, so that there is no confusion for them (though, funnily enough, Dylan and Emily have both asked repeatedly why Gord can't stay at our house).
It's not been all easy - logistically it can be tricky, and it's always a balancing act having someone crashing on one's couch, but overall it is working out okay. The kids are always happy to see Gord when he "drops by" to get various items or have a shower or use the computer. According to them, he is sleeping at another friend's house, but keeping his stuff here, and coming to using the computer, etc. He has stayed sober, and has been really good with the kids. Also, it is kind of nice having a grown-up around to talk to at the end of the day. I've missed that. It's not the most common arrangement, but then these aren't the most normal circumstances. Hopefully he'll find a place soon - it's been over a month already! Still, even my Mom keeps saying that she hopes he'll continue to come by to see the kids regularly, since they love spending time with him. It's good for them to see that men can be calm and patient, even when they act up (something they would not figure out from their experiences with their Dad).
As for Jerry, well, things are pretty bad for him. I would argue that he's never been this bad before. He hasn't seen his kids since the last week of June (so almost 3 months now). He's only called them twice, and once he only seemed to call them to gain access to me (since I've now decline to talk to him on the phone, and more recently even via email), because he needed me to do something for him. We spent most of the summer in a strange, illogical, confusing email conversation that went something like this: Jerry would rant on and on about how I was doing him wrong. Somewhere in the email he would demand to see the kids. I would reply by trying to defend myself against his accusations, at first, and soon ceased to be willing to even respond, they were so outrageously removed from any semblance of reality.
I would offer for him to see the kids, and ask him when he would like to see them. He would insist on seeing them alone, and wouldn't say anything about when. I would remind him that the court order states that he's only to see the kids while supervised by me, someone I trust, or an access centre. He would argue that the court order was outdated, unnecessary, and that I was just "using the kids" to be vindictive." He would then go on tangents about me taking all of his money (ironically, since he's not paid back any of the loans I gave him or paid for any of the gifts for the kids' Christmas gifts from last year that he said he would pitch in for, nor paid support for 4/5 months as of late) and doing all sorts of terrible things to him. I would calmly reiterate the need for supervision, decline to respond to his rants, and asking him (again) when he would like to see the kids. He would tell me two possible days (usually the day following the email), then I would arrange it, then he would back out or not show last minute.
Anyway, it was a series of very twisted, circular conversations, and a lot of nasty accusations on his part, and a few weeks ago I finally decided it was time: I told him I could no longer continue to try to make arrangements for him to see the kids, and that I was going to contact an access centre so that he could make arrangements through a third party and have his visits at a centre. It also seemed safer for the kids, since he is clearly not on meds and taking drugs, and very much out of touch with reality. So far, despite saying he was on board with this arrangement and that he would call them, he has not been in contact with the centre. Everything has been prepared for intake, but obviously they can't do anything without his cooperation. He says he doesn't have a phone number, so they can't even call him. I do finally have an address from him (whether it's really his or not is beyond me, though). He no longer emails me, calls me, etc. Just tonight, I finally had the courage to take him off my friends list on Facebook. The relief at not having to deal with his hostility, accusations, and delusional ideas is pretty significant. Interestingly, the kids seem to be doing really well without him around. At first, they really missed him and wondered where he was. They both made a lot of sad comments about Jerry being "mean to Dylan" and "nice to Emily," and we talked about why Daddy has sometimes behaved in unkind and sometimes frightening ways around us. I finally tried to be more specific about why "Daddy's unwell," for Dylan. Using my hands I showed him "sad" on one side, "angry" on the other side, and explained that "well" is in the middle. I told him that when Daddy isn't getting the right medicine, his brain makes him swing from feeling a lot of sad to feeling a lot angry, but doesn't give him really any time in the middle, where he can just feel like "his old self." Dylan seemed to find this really helpful, and even said that he could see how his Dad had been mostly one or the other (sad or mad) for the last long while, and that "Daddy's nicer when he's sad." We talked a bit about how while Daddy is sick it is better for us not to be around him very much or at all, but that this really just means that for now we have to stick together and wait for his Dad to hit a long enough "sad" to be able to see that he needs a doctor. Then, I told him, Jerry should be able to get better again. In the meantime, we make a great team, and we have a safe and happy home together, with Dylan, Emily, me and Finnegan (the 1-year-old dog). I told him it was okay to feel whatever feelings he feels about his Dad, and that it is normal to have some different feelings about it, like sad, mad, scared, etc. He agreed to let me know when he's having feelings or thoughts about his Dad. Hopefully he'll do that.
For the first time, Emily finally seemed ready to be introduced to some kind of explanation about why her Dad is gone. I explained that her Dad's brain doesn't work the way most people's brains work, and that right now his brain is making it hard for him to make good choices. She had some questions and seemed to kind of get it, and kind of not (the idea that his is sick in some kind of way seemed to make sense, but I have no idea how much she understands about the fact that it is his brain that is sick and that this affects his behavior). It's been given the status of an "open conversation" in that I occasionally check in to ask how they are feeling about their Dad (e.g. how are you feeling about not having seen Daddy for a while?), but don't press the issue or harp on it. Sometimes they mention him, sometimes they don't. They don't notice things like how he didn't call to see how their first day of school went (for Emily this meant he missed her first day of kindergarten), or that he doesn't comment on their photos on FB anymore (though he does steal my pictures and use them as his profile pictures).
Dylan has had some minor issues getting back into the school routine, but nothing as extreme as last year. Given that his Dad has recently gone AWOL, his cousins went back to Paris right before school started (which he really had a hard time with - cried a lot when we dropped them off at the airport and tried to refuse to leave when it was time), and he's having lunch at school 3 days/week now, I think he's adjusting very nicely. Ellie has stopped saying she misses him, which she did frequently at first. She seems really happy and is adjusting very, very well to kindergarten and 3 mornings a week at "daycare" (which is really just another school Dad who takes her and a few other kids at various times during the school day or after school).
I am doing much better since I cut off communication with Jerry. The emails he sent really tended to put me into a bit of a spin. It was really hard trying to be rational with someone so delusional and angry. School is a bit of a pain right now, as my supervisor is preventing me from starting my dissertation work by not getting back to me with revisions for my final proposal that I need to submit to get access to the database I plan to work with. In the meantime I am trying to get the house whipped into shape, organising the many things that have collected in the dreaded "middle room" (paperwork, largely). I have moments of intense sadness and anger now and then, related to Jerry's abandonment of our children, his complete disregard for their well-being, his delusional ranting, the way he messed up Jerry's life, and just how sad it is that it has come to this, especially given how much better things were so that brief two year period.
It's weird to hear how bad off he was when he was living with Gord. He smoked pot around his neighbors's kids, saying "they don't care" whenever Gord tried to get him to keep it inside so they wouldn't be around it. He got Gord stoned by smoking it around him. He threw temper tantrums, even smashing up a keyboard one night. He's used thousands of dollars that belonged to him or to his kids by using Gord's rent money and not paying support. He left an awesome, awesome job with one of the nicest employers around. He left Toronto, then expected me to get his kids to him (even stating that I would "have to bring the kids to an access centre near Xville so [his] family could see them too; the same family that only once come to see said grandkids, the day Dylan was born - but not even on the day Emily was born). It's all just so bizarre. Oh - and he apparently started dating again, shortly after I told him we were done (maybe before, it's not actually very clear to me). So I now really do feel "finished" with this marriage - there will never be any going back. It's done. I'm done. At the rate he's going in terms of visitation, perhaps even the kids are done. That I don't know. There are fleeting moments when I can feel the grief somewhere deep inside, over the loss of the man I once loved so much; the man who at times was a good man. They are, however, just fleeting. Not sure if that is simply an artifact of how little time I have to just "sit and be" and how much of that is related to the amount of processing I already did in preparation for ending the dream that a reconciliation might one day be possible. I guess I'll find out as I go.
